just plummy.

the second compact disc i ever bought.

2009-03-23T22:29:00.007-04:00

was this gem right here:

favorite tunes included "if it wasn't for you," "love is not like this" and of course the (un)classic, "castles on quicksand."

my childhood saturday mornings regularly consisted of waking up at 9:55 a.m., rolling downstairs to the tv (shocker), turning on saved by the bell and then staying with tnbc through california dreams/hang time/guys next door/nba inside stuff. then i would turn to fox at noon for an hour of wwf, followed by one hour of american gladiators.

you're probably horrified for me. but honestly, it was a BRILLIANT childhood. i feel like it taught me versatility or diversity or something important like that. the wwf montage link above really took me back - it's been more than a decade since i've thought about the big boss man or tito santana. MAN, those were the days. nineties tv might be my favorite tv of all time. except veronica mars. and he-man, master of the universe. and 30 rock. it's so hard to pick just one. how do you pick a favorite child? cause this decision is just like that.

anyway, this was all brought on by this teaser:

yippee!

(my first cd? "everything i do (i do it for you)". i know, i know. but for some reason i really liked kevin costner when i was 11. no, seriously.)

when headline writers attack.

2009-03-08T22:36:00.005-04:00

did you hear? circuit city is (finally) closed for good. 30k jobs lost. good thing it seems to be keeping headline writers employed. creative genius spotted online includes:

Plug pulled on Circuit City
After 60 years Circuit City powers down
Lights go down on Circuit City stores

and my favorite thus far:

Best Buy Says Goodbye to Circuit City

good burn, gizmodo! once down, i also like kicking men. or something like that.

p.s. this cycle of celebrity apprentice is pretty much awesome. and HILARIOUS. and sorry scott hamilton, i usually enjoy your skate america color commentary, but you are just coming off as a BITCH on this episode. team tom green.

p.p.s. (spoiler alert!) scott was fired, but only after he and tom green made a hilariously inappropriate joke on how, between the two of them, they have a full set. sorry for calling you a bitch, scott. talk about kicking down men. my bad.

i ♥ police blotters.

2009-01-06T20:27:00.008-05:00

every time i go home to my parents' house, i always read the police blotter in the local weeklies. this is partly because i have an excellent sense of curiosity and literacy, but mostly because i want to see if anyone i knew growing up was caught doing something comprising/naughty/embarrassing/illicit enough to be documented in the free neighborhood newspaper.

anyway, i was reminded of this resume-building trait as a result of the following snippet:

also, what does " 'rectum problems' " mean?

{ source }

best alibi ever?

2008-12-01T21:12:00.002-05:00

straight from (where else?) cnn:

Michele Davis-Balfour, Balfour's mother, passionately defended her son Monday to reporters. She said that at least one of the witnesses that police used to build a case against Balfour was lying.
"My son did not do this. I am sick of this. They need to focus on somebody else," Davis-Balfour said.
She said Balfour has a alibi, he was with one of his three girlfriends the night of the slaying.
"He was with Diana that night and with Kate in the morning," she said.

{ source }

for your (oscar) consideration.

2008-11-23T16:51:00.004-05:00

i mean, movies about senior year of high school are indeed TOTALLY EPIC (see this, this and that).

{ source }

all the single ladies.

2008-11-16T03:21:00.004-05:00

fyi - best snl skit of the night:

Bee skit @ (Nov 15 2008)
by thebeyoncenetwork

here's the pre-assignment if you aren't quite sure why the back-up dancers are dressed the way they are:

also paul rudd, i ♥ you.

why cnn is so awesome.

2008-11-15T22:21:00.007-05:00

the headline juggernaut second life affair ends in divorce has been on the front page for at least two full days now. and not even buried in the technology section. or europe. good thing, because IT IS THE BEST NEWS STORY EVER.

to recap:

these charmers got married after meeting in an internet chatroom in 2003. in second life, the dude (on the left) is this dude (on the right):

on top of that, he named his avatar DAVE BARMY. i couldn't find a picture of laura skye (her avatar and DAVE BARMY's now ex-wife) but never fear, time magazine describes her as follows:

Online, Laura Skye works as a club DJ and is 6 feet tall, weighs 112 lb. and has a penchant for skin-tight cowgirl outfits. In reality, [Amy] Taylor, an unemployed former waitress, is 5 feet 4 inches tall, weighs 224 lb. and prefers T shirts and leggings.

solid burn, time mag!

anyway, he blames her for the break-up, despite DAVE BARMY being caught having sex with a second life ho (the pink haired, blue turtlenecked lady above):

Amy never did anything around the house. She just played World of Warcraft all the time.

all's well that ends well though:

[Amy] Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

you go girl?

the space-time continuum.

2008-11-15T22:11:00.003-05:00

so how dumb am i that i don't understand the whole letters-traversing-a-two-year-span mechanic of this movie?

good thing oxygen is airing it back-to-back so i can catch it again.

also kudos to sandra bullock because honestly, how good of actress do you have to be to actually have on-screen chemistry with keanu?

update: guessing i'm not the only perplexed viewer, in light of this wikipedia bullet point -

The essential plot point, therefore, boils down to this: Alex only knows Kate is at Daley Plaza in the beginning because she warns him — and asks him to wait — at the end, but for Alex to be alive to meet Kate in 2008 he must first be killed in 2006. Even in the case of parallel time lines, for it is an established fact that these must eventually meet if they are to be parallel in the first place (although higher entropy results in more information, not less). So, which came first in time? Valentine's Day, 2006, or Valentine's Day, 2008? It is, in point of fact, neither and both — at the same time. Though not a paradox as such, it is indeed a working contradiction, as neither retrocausality nor duality inherently apply.

hilarious.

what i'm currently debating.

2008-09-28T22:46:00.013-04:00

for pretty much all of september, i've had to attempt to contain a raging internal debate. i submit my arguments / rebuttals / redirects for your consideration.

so after watching (wasting?) eight hours (minus commercial breaks, so really more like 6.67 hours), i can't tell which cw show is better. and by better, i mean horrifically, train wreck-rubberneckingly awful.

in one corner, there is one tree hill featuring the utter douchebaggery of chad michael murray, which, when combined with his atrociously amazing dramatic acting skill(z) is a potent force to be contended with:

honestly there were SO many pics to choose from to illustrate my point, but this was an immediate fave. anyway, i sincerely feel that i could write for this show. furthermore, my brother's dog could write for this show. one of their current plotlines involves brooke, who started her own clothing line in high school. in tree hill, north carolina.

anyway, clothes over bro's has clearly evolved into a giant lifestyle empire but brooke chooses to keep it real by running the conglomerate from her boutique in tree hill. i know. and then this season, she gets viciously mauled by some random robber at her store, but now brooke's mother is being fingered as the conspirator who sicced the perpetrator on her own daughter. yes, really.

WHAT? i don't even know what i just said. sometimes the words just flow from my fingers.

so in the other corner, we have the young upstart, 90210 (like you're even surprised i'm watching). not only does it lack any histrionic, hilariously poorly acted teen angst like the original, but sadly chris lorenzo (of silk stalkings fame, i.e., the BEST OPENING CREDITS on tv EVER and don't pretend you didn't watch it on USA during summer break) and aunt becky just do not begin to measure up to jim and cindy walsh.

everyone else and their mom has commented on how painfully tiny the 90210 girls are and so i will just add, why does everyone (and their corresponding maternal figures) think eating a sandwich / cheeseburger / other variant of meat between a consumption vehicle composed of two bread products will solve this problem? i don't particularly enjoy that food group all that much, but i clearly don't have the if-i-turn-sideways-i-become-invisible issue plaguing this show.

also, would kelly taylor really be a guidance counselor? AND brenda just happens to be a drama teacher? REALLY? if they bring donna martin back, she better fucking be a special ed teacher, otherwise the whole premise of bring back the old guys will totally be shot to hell.

i will offer kudos for the inclusion of an andrea-zuckermanesque high school student in the 21-going-on-38 character of naomi:

so both shows are currently among my dvr-ed series (in HD, nonetheless!) and i really think i have to cut at least one of them from the roster. you have no idea how busy my dvr is going to be this week (thank god for the vp debates preempting a somewhat significant portion of my queue on thursday). i literally won't be surprised if it becomes overheated from exhaustion.

btw m is always somewhat surprised to discover the dvr light on at 3:00 a.m. on a tuesday night, to which i am like, what? as there's no chance i'm wasting precious primetime recording slots on the latest real world / road rules challenge, though i wholly support the whole mtv-producers-withholding-food-but-still-supplying-contestants-with-booze initiative.

as you can tell, i am quite passionate about the whole thing. so much so that i'm considering adding this to my list of "activities + interests" on my resume. i suppose these run-ons / stream of consciousness are the results of not doing a tv brain dump since the beginning of the fall premiere season.

what? i've been busy.

a collection of ridiculous. or ludicrous, as the case may be.

2008-09-07T20:10:00.004-04:00

{ exhibit a : wsj's take on kendra from the girls next door }

{ exhibit b : just really, REALLY unfortunate (read: awesome) timing. and gesturing. and facial expressions. }

{ exhibit c : my new bff ludacris and me. obvi i was the lame corporate asian lady at his hawt dinner party }

i swear that is not a wax figurine, people! if only i had a $500 for every time someone mentioned that. i would be a five hundred-aire.

{ source 2 }

back from hiatus.

2008-08-29T20:41:00.003-04:00

i was waiting to return with a splash and here's what i came up with:

i'm sure hermes is completely pleased with this gratis product placement.

also, i totally met ludacris last night. HE TOUCHED MY ARM.

carry on.

{source}

i watch the olympics for the patriotic ads.

2008-08-11T21:56:00.003-04:00

i bow down to the brilliant sports marketing machine that produced the following:

jesus. no one does inspiring, patriotic, i-should-really-get-off-my-ass-after-watching-the-olympics-for-six-straight-hours quite like the badass folks at nike. i heard the second ad before i saw it and the music itself was enough to get me to stop what i was doing and pay attention to the entire ad. in this, the third decade of my life and more importantly, the era of dvr, that's powerful shit. i am proud to be an american.

...unless they are kind of losing or not in the running altogether, in which case i will root indiscriminately for pretty much any asian (team) in the running. those chinese kids really know what they fuck they're doing. my money's on them. unless it looks like they are going to lose.

cnn strikes again.

2008-08-11T21:26:00.004-04:00

a terribly awkward sentence in an otherwise sad article about the american olympian battling testicular cancer:

He also has the support of his girlfriend... who played the key role in discovering the cancer.

alas. i have the maturity of a four year old boy.

{source}

how many things are wrong with this picture?

2008-08-11T00:14:00.003-04:00

in some instances, not necessarily this one, but in some instances, INFINITY is the right answer.

{source}

some sage advice.

2008-08-07T20:34:00.002-04:00

{source}

something is in the air.

2008-08-06T20:12:00.006-04:00

or the water.

on the subway ride home today, i swear i saw TWO guys sporting perms. one was gelled for that totally practical and always believable soaking-wet-all-day look. i know two is just a coincidence and three is a trend, but... really?

also, you would be surprised at how many pictures come up under "guy perm".

my latest bad habit.

2008-08-05T21:04:00.002-04:00

as of late, i've been stuck at the gym longer than i'd ever want to be (e.g., more than 28 seconds) due to my gross absorption into some random show on the tvs there. tonight, it was celebrity family feud (seeing the cast of the office made me yearn for the return of primetime). even worse, on saturday, it was a lifetime MOVIE. it sucks to not want to leave your elliptical machine for TWO HOURS in order to see how a teenage couple who got married at 18, work out the trials and tribulations of him working construction to pay the bills and her going to harvard (naturally).

i'm pretty sure i smelled funny after hour 1.

dear childhood.

2008-07-30T20:39:00.008-04:00

please stop batter-ramming my proverbial front door. i like my nostalgic excitement in small, regularly dispensed doses. however, today i found out that:

a) there is a 90210 ipod in the market now. seriously. i always wished i could stare at a brooding dylan mckay while cursing the dying, irreplaceable battery of my ipod. i wonder how many of the 2000 limited edition ipods will have "donna martin graduates!" engraved on the bottom. my guess is 1999 of them. there's always a broody rebel in the bunch.

b) so then i find out that i can now download some of the best shows on nickelodeon (EVER) on my new ironically nostalgic ipod because they released HEY DUDE and CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL on itunes. i know christine taylor is a big shot actress now, but i remember her days as melody hanson, working for mr. ernst and watching a girl named brad flirt-fight with ted (btw whatever happened to david lascher?). but we all know it was her turn as marcia in the various brady bunch movie resurrections that truly skyrocketed her to fame. ben stiller be damned.

c) finally, a new new kids (heh) collaboration with neyo will drop on august 12. it's not the catchiest thing i've ever heard, but it'll do. JON I LOVE YOU

gotta run. celine's all by myself is belting out of my tv right now.

my return to the world of work.

2008-07-29T20:39:00.008-04:00

loosely paraphrased from a (WORK) email, the reply to which i was cc-ed on yesterday:

"...it was really great to meet you at that event. i'm pissed and a little sad that they didn't serve us the food right away and instead, made us sit through the boring shit before the edible payoff. what up wit dat? my giant ass is still recovering from the numbness incurred by sitting for so long during that FREE dinner.

anyhow, may i request the pleasure of your company during a market visit some time in the foreseeable future?"

this hereby proves that "anyhow" is the universe's greatest single transition word ever. how else could anyone POSSIBLY connect a numb butt memory trigger with a formal visit request?

what a busy weekend means to me.

2008-07-27T17:40:00.004-04:00

i finally have my own tv in my own bedroom. it is both literally and figuratively the most valuable thing i own now. and as expected, the combination cable/dvr + bed with memory foam are pretty much impossible to resist. i might have technically been in bed 90% of my waking hours today. that's just a rough (read: low) estimate, though.

i did get off my ass to see the dark knight last night and hence, my latest tiger beat-esque crush was born:

he was the perfect bruce wayne. also, just cause:

oh my.

{source}

that's my dream, too.

2008-07-25T21:17:00.002-04:00

just overheard on tv:

(brittany) he was a model for some self-tanning company.
(stassi) NO way!
(brittany nods) he was.
(stassi totally serious) that is like MY DREAM! are you serious?!? he was a self-tanner model!

observe more brilliant conversation first hand on queen bees. but of course, that would mean you have to watch the n.

call me when you need rebuttal tips for when your bf/gf/parent/sib/psycho craigslist roommate decides to judge you.

WHAT.

2008-07-24T23:37:00.003-04:00

honestly, how many different BIZARRE things have to come together simultaneously, all perfect-storm-like, in order to make this picture happen?

really, progeny of hulkamania, this is how you want to present yourself to the star magazines of the world?

excellent choice.

{source}

the grossest thing i have ever seen in person.

2008-07-21T22:05:00.006-04:00

is it:

a) a man eating on the subway
b) a man eating on the subway with his legs crossed, kind of like this but with his ankle on the opposite knee cap
c) a man eating on the subway who picks up fallen crumbs on said ankle/shoe AND EATS THEM
d) a man eating on the subway who does (c) multiple times and then LICKS HIS DIRTY, SHOE-INFECTED FINGERS (why, all ten of them of course!) once he's finally done devouring his sub
e) all of the above
f) another guy i saw today of this size, riding a (tiny) ten speed bike TOPLESS

if you didn't choose (d) and/or (e) immediately, i really question whether or not you were that kid who needed the one-on-one deodorant chat in fifth grade.

you know what's weird?

2008-07-17T22:32:00.003-04:00

for me, it's when you click on a random (seemingly obscure) link labeled soap opera name generator and you go to the spot to fill in your name and the dropdown box indicates that you've already been there before.

it's like déjà vu of the world wide web or some shit.

p.s. my name would be christine botolph-johnson-johnson. i don't get it either.

WHAT.

2008-07-17T22:17:00.006-04:00

this is like saying marc by marc jacobs is not affiliated with marc jacobs, y/y? also, what does it mean for your self-worth that you are touted as being better than a bottomless buffet?

well in america, i'm pretty sure that means you're fucking golden.

{source}

really, the happiest i've ever been?

2008-07-16T21:05:00.003-04:00

so i'm sitting here, pretty much the happiest i've been all week because:

a) so you think you can dance is on and they're finally down to the top 10, and
b) i am eating delicious indian takeout, and
c) my testosteroney roommates are nowhere to be found, so
d) i don't have to watch sports/sportscenter/any variant of espn, and
e) they made them dance to HERO by enrique AND OPEN ARMS AND CANNED HEAT, so
f) i am ecstatic. there is no sarcasm here.

for once.

my new (second) favorite hobby.

2008-07-15T22:14:00.004-04:00

this is just plummy as wordart. don't worry, i am also shocked that the words "tv," "television," "reality" and "awesome" are not featured prominently.

the next two represent papers i wrote for a management course on (surprise!) innovation:

and my personal pride and joy (on so MANY levels) - a paper i wrote for an economics course on the hollywood writer's strike of 2007-08:

so in conclusion:

+ rehashing my own pointless writing
+ diverse font selection
+ various color palettes
= FULL of WIN.

create your own word clouds (honestly, what else are you going to do with all of those grad school papers?) here.

{source}

business talk of the day.

2008-07-14T08:22:00.004-04:00

from the front page of today's wsj:

One mall owner says he talked to Steve & Barry's about leasing space, but the terms they demanded were absurd. "Leasing to them would have been like bringing prostitutes to a party to look popular," he says. "They might look good, but you're paying for it."

if he means prostitutes with lots of school spirit, i totally concur.

{source}

fratty mcfratterson versus the death stare.

2008-07-13T18:11:00.002-04:00

here's a story told entirely in pictures.

dumbass.

{source}

trips to the dollar store just got a little better.

2008-07-12T19:02:00.005-04:00

america is definitely hurting during the this-is(n't)-a-recession turmoil going on right now but in fabulous (!) news, dollar stores are totally going glam.

honestly, where else can you buy an MP34 player endorsed by katie holmes-cruise sporting the weirdest pseudo-asymmetrical haircut ever?

... or dreadlocks for white guys who are too lazy/yuppie/addicted to combs to grow their own? why, hello there sodapop curtis/sam seaborn/senator robert mcallister. i had no idea how heartfelt your adoration for kris kross continues to be:

and most importantly, here's how angelina manages to keep her waistline in... line.

twins-baby-weight is certainly no match for a magical hovering hula hoop made of giant legos.

{source}

stupid human tricks.

2008-07-10T19:50:00.001-04:00

brought to you by jeff bridges. yes, that jeff bridges.

{source}

what is, if you don't know the answer to this, we're not really friends?

2008-07-10T18:13:00.003-04:00

{source}

this is not america's next top best friend.

2008-07-07T20:32:00.002-04:00

i just finished hauling my life's possessions (i.e., not even half of budget truck's mini movers) to my new place. i got the 360-degree moving-to-nyc experience, parking ticket, "deaf" policeperson-who-couldn't-hear-our-protests and all. awesome. i didn't think i would be laughing today, but some genius compiled the best. montage. ever.

it somehow perfectly captures the spirit of today.

(source)

if werewolves were tan, bulimic, addicted to meth and real.

2008-07-05T21:39:00.007-04:00

this guy is also known as jeremy jackson, who used to be the one and only hobie buchannon:

he had to know nothing good would come from playing david hasselhoff's spawn. meanwhile, scary fact of the day? this guy is TWENTY-SEVEN. lay off the crack 'n' tanning kids!

this concludes the public service portion of this post. you're welcome.

(source)

happy birthday, america.

2008-07-04T12:46:00.007-04:00

we humiliate the canine race in your honor.

(all images via flickr)

do you look like zach braff?

2008-07-03T00:00:00.004-04:00

as far as i can tell, symptoms include:

xy chromosomes
of the caucasian race
beak nose
lush, full lips
unkempt, mildly greasy hair
goofy smirk

compare yourself to this brilliant, burgeoning list of men who look like zach braff. wow. you're welcome.

(source)
(doodle source - i ♥ the frontal attempts)

appropriate work attire, as interpreted by arden b.

2008-07-02T11:22:00.006-04:00

apparently if you throw a blazer on over ANYTHING, it counts as work wear, like the jorts/jacket combo below:

also, halter tops proclaim, "i'm dressing for the job i want, not the job i have!"

...particularly when paired with booty shorts.

note that arden b never exactly articulates what kind of work you're... "performing" when wearing these to the "office."

posts like this make me feel way old. excuse me while i go antiquing and shout at the neighborhood kids for laughing too loudly.

(the proof is in the puddin')

remember when mtv's 10 spot used to be really dirty?

2008-07-01T20:56:00.006-04:00

i remember it as My College Years. my roommates and i used to gather 'round the tv every night like our forefathers clustered around the hearth in the winter and watch undressed/celebrity deathmatch/daria/jackass/real world/road rules/spyder games before we flipped over to upn and the wb for blind date/elimidate/cheaters/5th wheel.

gosh, those were the days.

anyway, some AMAZING person in his/her INFINITE wisdom decided to post season one of mtv's undressed online, seeing as how mtv is c@#kblocking us via dvd. bitches. don't they know that this is gen-y's basic cable version of the red shoe diaries/skinemax? it is also adam brody's true claim to fame:

undressed really reshaped the way i view... canadian tv production. enjoy yourself here. just don't crash it ignoring your friends/family while watching all of the episodes in a row during your last week of freedom before moving to nyc and returning to the working world. i mean, if that's applicable. or whatever.

(image source)

a day trip proposal, courtesy of my mom.

2008-06-30T18:31:00.004-04:00

so on the heels of watching local news coverage on how floyd landis' appeal has been rejected by some self-appointed sports governing body, my mom apparently only heard "lancaster county" and then turned to me, asking if i wanted to go visit mennonite country with her. in response to my subsequent question of why i would want to sacrifice precious eating/sleeping/tv watching/doing anything but visiting lancaster county time, she listed the following reasons:

there are chickens.
there are cows.
there are barns.

unfortunately for my mom, she failed to mention the outlets.

unsurprisingly, the trip is a no-go.

(sexy amish girl/strawberry shortcake-inspired costume via spencer's. please read the costume description at the site, as it is both ludicrous and awesome.)

someone dropped the ball.

2008-06-30T18:26:00.005-04:00

no one told me that i should be watching design star on hgtv. as a result, i am PISSED because i missed the simultaneously best/most pitiful elimination reaction on tv (click the pic):

for some reason, i want my mommy.

how i found out my dad is not just a fiscal republican.

2008-06-28T12:33:00.002-04:00

(on tv, judge judy is yelling about a police officer's right to protect himself)

dad_outburst: WHAT ABOUT REASONABLE CAUSE?!? YOU CAN'T JUST SEARCH WHEREVER YOU WANT! ARE YOU STUPID? THIS IS AMERICA! WE HAVE RIGHTS!

in order to defuse the situation, i had to quickly turn to the animal planet, where we all relaxed via purrfect predators. true story.

let the romance begin (!).

2008-06-27T16:56:00.004-04:00

this voicemail reminds me of one of those giant cartoon snowballs that just get awesome-r and awesome-r as it quickly goes downhill. i've found that anyone who has to call himself a catch is indeed, a true catch (and release). background story here.

p.s. bonus points for his url! be sure to sign up for his various self-help courses like "slut finder" and "confident aura builder"

the one woman campaign for sterilization.

2008-06-26T23:22:00.004-04:00

this is a snippet from baby borrowers, where young adults try to fathom what it's like to have a baby by... borrowing them. in this scene, the girls have to wear pregnancy suits to a baby care class. drama ensues.

private to kelly from dunwoody, ga: you need to CHECK yo-self before you WRECK yo-self. i'm pretty sure you have to concede the right to throw tantrums once you bring a BABY into the world.

update: make that two women. i couldn't find supporting youtube documentation but if you make the poor decision to watch this show, i KNOW you will agree. fo realz.

holy crap, i LOVE this show.

2008-06-26T01:14:00.003-04:00

i humbly present the best routine of the night (read: season). it's the whole shebang from the human interest intro to the teary reaction from crazy mary. you're welcome.

summer = ciao bella + fireflies + so you think you can dance

i don't even know what to say.

2008-06-25T13:46:00.004-04:00

l.a.'s version of the trojan horse, perhaps?

(source)

do rock band skills count?

2008-06-25T12:51:00.001-04:00

also, sucks to be graham.

(source)

the yellow penguins vs. the green monkeys.

2008-06-24T21:14:00.006-04:00

this sounds like two teams from legends of the hidden temple, but they are actually from "i survived a japanese game show", now playing on abc. i didn't think it was a possible to have a show more OTT than american gladiators, but here it is. it might have something to do with the fact that everyone in the audience has their own tambourine. hand percussion instruments always get the home viewing audience riled up.

select quotes from this episode thus far include:

(re: sake) I was expecting a wine cooler, but it tasted like lighter fluid!

(meeting the mama-san) I am your Mama-san! Not yo momma!

i dare say the opening scene was the best, though.

host: you’re going to… japan!
group of contestants: squee!

(hugging and jumping ensue)
random female maki beast in the back: SUSHI!!!!!

maybe you had to be there. but it was completely amazing. and i'm not going to say that you should watch this show.

also, reverse psychology probably does not work at all.

weird animal tricks.

2008-06-23T21:49:00.007-04:00

just now, i came downstairs to find my parents watching this:

that's a hippo fight, for you non-pbs/nat geo/animal planet watching folks. then, as i was trying to distract myself from the tv while simultaneously spending some qt with my parents, i came across this school of swimming piglets:

finally, the coinciding appearance of these bizarre animal images reminded me of the weirdest thing i've EVER seen, including all of those richard bey/jerry springer back-to-back epis i used to watch:

that's right. a panda handstand. to mark its territory. it's spelling out "bring it" in urine.

(image sources 1, 2 & 3)

rock-em, sock-em grandmas.

2008-06-22T20:02:00.004-04:00

does one of the following grannies belong to you? if so, you've got the COOLEST, thug life grandma of all time. i envy you for coming from such fine breeding stock. no, seriously.

(source)

remember the (awesome) wedding band from old school?

2008-06-22T17:52:00.002-04:00

no? that means you haven't watched the movie nearly enough times. anyway, this should jog your memory:

fyi their street name is the dan band. also, this will also be the only time i mention american idol on purpose. unless something stupendously awesome happens. or a joke must be made at seacrest's expense.

of course the yankees have this guy.

2008-06-22T13:05:00.002-04:00

switch-hitting batter + switch-throwing pitcher = infinite baseball feedback loop.

the most comical recap starts at 3:40. dummies.

"these looked like fingers so no one would eat them."

2008-06-19T18:04:00.002-04:00

it's time to open your impending recession-clamped wallets and buy these leftover sausages on eBay, where the seller found their uncanny resemblance to phalanges hard to stomach.

in unrelated news, (people) feet keep washing up on the shores of canada... wait, what?!

(source)

from shady to what?!? in five seconds.

2008-06-19T12:05:00.002-04:00

via time.com:

As summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies—more than four times the number of pregnancies the 1,200-student school had last year. Some adults dismissed the statistic as a blip. Others blamed hit movies like Juno and Knocked Up for glamorizing young unwed mothers. But principal Joseph Sullivan knows at least part of the reason there's been such a spike in teen pregnancies in this Massachusetts fishing town. School officials started looking into the matter as early as October after an unusual number of girls began filing into the school clinic to find out if they were pregnant. By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, "some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Sullivan says. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Then the story got worse. "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," the principal says, shaking his head.

gems from lala-land.

2008-06-18T22:20:00.003-04:00

courtesy of us weekly:

McConaughey, 38, was seen "resting in a ditch" before "screaming in broken Spanish" to patrons at the Iguana bar in San Juan Del Sur that he'd lost one of his flip-flops, according to the report.

From Charlie Sheen: "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings."

also, this just in from miami animal police:

up next, the cat dumper still refuses to accept responsibility for his actions.

busy night.

back on the headline horse.

2008-06-18T19:10:00.003-04:00

two out of the three headlines below are NOT news:

also, please ignore which links i clicked on. i'm not a serial killer/nascar fan, i swear.

incremental innovation in full effect.

2008-06-18T13:02:00.005-04:00

not sure how much time little boys spent time thinking about their various crushes and whether they would live in mansions, apartments, shacks or houses with them, but the girls i know did. which was why we played mash incessantly during sleepovers, field trips and phys ed. many a crush was revealed during those lil labors o' luv.

well apparently the actual labor part of filling out the mash form was way too much for the millenials, so it has also been digitized like word processing and human interaction. you can play your own version here. or here. or here. apparently everyone is playing mash except you.

so here is my own future as determined by mash. all info that follows is true to life with the exception of each fifth entry. under the new jersey school of mash regulation, the last space has to be filled out with the worst possible option, although i definitely forgot what the numbers and colors were for. i mistakenly assumed number of marriages and house decorating schemes, respectively. this is the gen-y yuppie in me talking.

and without further ado, here is my future as predicted by mash:

it is surprisingly spot on. i would TOTALLY marry optimus prime in a heartbeat. squee!

entrepreneurial innovator of the year.

2008-06-18T12:53:00.004-04:00

(source)

dickies get an upscale makeover.

2008-06-16T16:45:00.005-04:00

this guy looks like he could be the rare hybrid toeing the fashion meets finance line:

...but just kidding! he totally loses all credibility in both realms when you realize he's just wearing the business professional equivalent of a dickey (technically known as a business bib) over his wifebeater:

SO hawt. i guarantee that the slanket guy makes excellent use of these during his teleconferences with all of those "retailers."

(source)

once you're done with that dogeared copy of sky mall.

2008-06-16T00:17:00.009-04:00

apparently the actual entertainment is really in the safety manual located in the pocket of the seat in front of you:

(source)

one hat's worth of sun protection too late.

2008-06-13T23:12:00.003-04:00

the handlebar mustache gets me every time.

obviously.

2008-06-13T20:51:00.005-04:00

fyi: the fear of friday the 13th is known as paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia. hope that comes in handy at some point during the next three hours. you're welcome.

meanwhile, the fear of big words is (ironically) hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia. good thing i'm not hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic.

i am a lazytard.

2008-06-12T21:16:00.002-04:00

that is what best week ever branded the target consumer for the slanket. which i declared i was five months ago. which was only renewed after seeing this forbes feature:

comments at the source are also gems in and of themselves, including my personal fave: "it kind of makes the person look like they have given up on life".

summer has officially arrived.

2008-06-12T11:51:00.006-04:00

so you think you can dance commenced competition phase last night. wednesday and thursday evenings are now spoken for through mid-august. wet your whistle with clips from season two below.

what can i say? i ♥ choreographed dances set to top 40. i blame it on paula abdul and mc skat kat.

(image via visualpanic)

an (un)fortunate coincidence.

2008-06-11T18:26:00.004-04:00

no, i'm not above poo humor.

(source)

sorry i missed your party, wall street | madison ave edition.

2008-06-10T20:11:00.009-04:00

one day, i will figure out how to get on the cool kids' vip list. until then, i will just have to live vicariously through observing the exploits of their crème de la crème in the fashion meets finance photo gallery.

witness the following charmers who had just met, prior to posing for this photo:

and then later (but apparently not late enough):

meanwhile, the best comment at the source?

OMG... I hooked up with that donald trump lookalike last night also... terrible kisser

it was a really hard-fought battle between that and the following, though:

Girl: "Victoria's Secret outsources 65% of their underwear designs, and do 55% internally."
Me: "Do you mean 65/35 or 55/45?"
Girl: "Oh, yea, 65/45"
Me: "That's still not an option"
Girl: "Why not?"
Me: "Math"
Girl: Embarrased and clearly still not comprehending why she's wrong "oh yea, haha, totally"
Me: "So which is it then?"
Girl: "What's what?"
Me: "Nevermind. I need a drink."

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever regret opting for the marketing path. this is not one of those times.

breaking news (!).

2008-06-10T16:46:00.006-04:00

apparently danny wood (of nkotb fame, obvi) managed to score halle berry. in 1989.

no seriously, here's another picture for proof. and please keep in mind that these were taken before the days of photoshop. plus, nobody cares about danny wood (except halle, apparently) enough to doctor 20-year-old pics of him.

i just blew your mind, right? you're welcome. also, I JUST BOUGHT TIX FOR NEW KIDS AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN ON OCTOBER 27th (!!!!1!!). excuse me while i go dig out my nkotb watch, trading cards and throw pillow.

there is nothing about that last sentence that is not 100% true.

(pic source)

so i guess there's like a heat wave outside or something.

2008-06-09T23:43:00.003-04:00

(paraphrased from tonight's evening news)

roving_reporter: were all area catholic schools closed today?
elderly_spokeswoman: that's correct, because of the heat.
roving_reporter: so was that because it's hot as hell?

(speedy fade to black)

hobbies that i can tell other people about.

2008-06-09T17:30:00.007-04:00

so in b-school, i realized that i can't put "avid (voracious? insatiable?) tv watcher" down under the activities section of my résumé, no matter how accurate/reflective it might have been. therefore, in my countdown to rw-day (rw = rejoining the workforce or real world, not random walk or retirement weekly as suggested here) i've decided to try to grow some hobbies, seeing how athletics is obviously not an option.

with m safely tucked into his internship and fellow newly graduated friends acquiring real estate/having babies/generally being adults and doing adult-y things, i'm feeling a little homeless without anything tangible to call my own (sadly, saaby has passed on to the wholesale car market in sky). my first project? teaching myself how to cross-stitch.

you didn't honestly think i was going to waste my time on dried flowers and baby animals, y/y?

(image via subversive cross stitch)

life just divided itself into b.t. & a.t.

2008-06-08T21:41:00.003-04:00

i finally got around to watching the transformers movie today. wow. i REALLY regret not seeing that in an actual theater. afterwards, it was difficult to walk around and not imagine that each car on the street could a) transform into a giant robot and b) side with either the autobots or decepticons. in case you were wondering, subaru bajas and pontiac azteks are definitely out to destroy mankind.

i am a nerd. it's ok, i learned to live with it long ago during my mighty morphin power rangers phase. like eight months ago.

also, is there an official name for crushes on giant robots? because i definitely ♥ optimus prime. maybe even more than megazord.

meet the real supreme lord of e!.

2008-06-04T17:31:00.002-04:00

amazing. i love you, joel. insert fangirl squee here.

the times, they are a changin'.

2008-06-04T11:37:00.002-04:00

high fives are totally like, 2000.

(source)

to the patronizing librarian my mom and i had to battle today.

2008-06-03T16:55:00.008-04:00

also,

ugh. btw if you ever need to communicate something difficult, emotional or honest to me, you should definitely use someecards. not only is it written in my mother tongue of ill-spirited sarcasm, but it is also color coded, which helps me determine what exactly you're trying to emote.

seriously.

living the dream.

2008-06-02T23:25:00.003-04:00

margaret cho just fulfilled my lifelong asian-american game show fantasy:

her summary of the experience is exactly how i would have described it too:

We all did celebrity Family Feud yesterday and we kicked ass! We didn't win, but we made a very respectable showing. We played against Corbin Bernsen and his family, who were very nice and good opponents. They ended up winning and going up against the American Chopper dudes who were super cool!
I was really proud of my parents because they didn't know what Family Feud was. The only thing they have that is similar in Korea was the war. They did remarkably well and my dad even razzed host Al Roker a little. It was awesome. We did just as good as any white family would have!

so in conclusion, you go girl.

they're not just glorified bathers.

2008-06-02T16:19:00.007-04:00

ok. the most RIDONK tv show on right now is definitely groomer has it on animal planet. and honestly, that's saying something since maury is currently showing a behind the scenes exposé of underground teen sex parties featuring a correspondent named egypt.

anyway, i was introduced to this gem by what else? but the soup. btw joel mchale, my mother thanks you. learning is absolutely a lifelong pursuit.

so while i hung out with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend for the first time in months, i made us all watch episode 107 which is definitely the BEST. SHOW. EVER.

however, i think the best discovery was groomer to groomer magazine. because i now feel like i've been living under a rock all my life. prepare yourself for the best cover shoots EVER.

a perfect belated memorial day tribute:

their take on the cw's farmer takes a wife:

harry potter is this dog's bitch. so to speak.

this dog does not feel embarrassed at all. even on behalf of its owner.

this dog, on the other hand, is having an identity crisis. i mean, which pair are its real ears? also, apparently the use of blackface is still acceptable in the grooming community. it's because groomers live life on their own terms. wow.

on that cheery note, hope you had an excellent monday. even if you didn't, fear not because thursday's groomer has it mini-marathon is just around the corner.

while you were channel surfing...

2008-06-01T21:32:00.005-04:00

...i was watching ninja warrior on g4 when this magical subtitle popped up on the screen:

g4 is definitely the weirdest channel on tv. one of the advertisements for the channel featured a top 5 foods for vomiting list, which was awarded to yogurt, in case you were wondering. personally i thought cottage cheese was the obvious choice.

anyway, i've clearly been up to A LOT during the past few days. productivity - it's a beautiful thing.

how guitar hero lost its rockstar mystique.

2008-05-29T13:53:00.003-04:00

i can't wait until i see someone playing this on the subway. and by playing, i mean getting jumped. and laughed at.

also, these are the best instructions ever:

simply press the color buttons in order while stoking the pic across the screen, Wiggle Wiggle, get star combos, yell “Rock Out”

flex and the city.

2008-05-29T13:29:00.004-04:00

whether you've got your louboutins on and the perfect glossimer already picked out for the premiere, or you have xy chromosomes and call sjp horseface behind your girlfriend/sister/mom/wife/niece/aunt/friend that is a girl but i swear we're just friend-friends/grandma's back, you will both enjoy this musclebound rendition of a classic sitc episode.

because i am all about bringing people together in the name of tv, mockery and serious gender ambiguity. you're welcome.

inappropriately equipped.

2008-05-27T17:47:00.006-04:00

we were exiting the durham HIGHWAY this afternoon and m had to seriously hit his (shady) brakes because we got caught behind this guy:

we weren't sure if his scooter/moped/crotch rocket was highway legal, but then we saw him turn here:

that's right. he got off the HIGHWAY and turned onto a SIDEWALK.

awesome.

i am at my most creative when procrastinating.

2008-05-26T12:03:00.007-04:00

the number of different ways i have avoided packing thus far:

watched an entire season of veronica mars (again)
made this pasta dish for lunch
purchased and played ddr supernova 2
reciprocated facebook wall posts
shopped for new bedding
"cleaned up" the dvr queue by watching the season finales of the office, grey's, gossip girl & moonlight
uploaded, captioned and emailed vacation pictures
thought about taking up (subversive) cross-stitching
organized my firefox bookmarks
watched enchanted
figured out that the title to my car exists exactly nowhere
this, this, this, this, this and this

in my defense, this is the eighth move i've made in nine years, not including all of those layovers in nj where i mooched off my parents, which is precisely what i'll be doing again this summer like the proud mba grad that i am. i assure you everyone is mutually excited that the prodigal daughter returns. again.

strategy, this might be (read: definitely is) applicable to you.

2008-05-24T23:15:00.005-04:00

as i pack up my stuff and sift through various school artifacts, i've come to realize that purging certain materials are infinitely easier than others. the perpetrators shall remain (not really) anonymous to protect the innocent.

OMFG.

2008-05-23T19:24:00.010-04:00

i'm super psyched because i just figured out what i'm doing this weekend:

that's right, i'm devoting myself to watching all five installments of this show on vh1. i'm already "liveblogging", if you will, from #21-40 right now. so far, i am like eleven for eleven on owning all of the songs mentioned. seriously. it's like reliving the music that defined my life throughout my various trials and tribulations as a burgeoning jersey girl.

btw m is already tired of me shouting "YESSSSSS!" as each new song comes on. either that, or my rampant headbanging, fist pumping and out of tune singing. i don't know. it's a toss up, really.

can you feel it?

2008-05-23T16:05:00.009-04:00

nkotb mania is subtly infecting the 25-50 year old teenyboppers of the world.

exhibit a:

exhibit b (taken from the best nkotb analysis of the 00's):

and of course, exhibit c.

plus, with sweet, soul-searing lyrics like,

remember when we said girl please don't go
and how i'd be loving you foreeeeeeeever
taught you 'bout hangin' tough
as long as you've got the right stuff
didn't we girls? ooooooooooooh
didn't we girls? aaaaaaaaaaaah

i know you're just as psyched as i am (scarily enough, i definitely just transcribed that from the pure power of my tiger beat memory). anyway, it's finally time to resurrect those six-inch diameter nkotb pins!

yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

i pity the foo(l).

2008-05-22T21:58:00.010-04:00

until today, i didn't really understand the point of perler beads, though it did teach me to iron back in the day. then i saw this work of genius by shayne at trans-craft-inental:

wow. in comparison, i'm pretty sure that in 1988, my whole family received some variant of the following as christmas gifts. it was a banner year for them, i'm sure.

meanwhile, as i was searching for images of perler bead handiwork, i came across the perler bead prodigy simon, who managed to fashion this monkey and accompanying banana at the young age of five:

v impressive. and apparently there is no ceiling to the age appropriateness of perler beads, as evidenced by krysten, who could maybe stand to learn a few things from simon.

now i know what i'm getting my grandma for christmas this year. she'll be the 4'8" tall lady leading the next perler bead movement in south korea. it's gonna be HUGE.

this is pretty much genius.

2008-05-22T15:08:00.003-04:00

mike sacks, i salute you and your commitment to capturing great moments of american tv with your digital camera.

this website is better at math than you.

2008-05-22T11:45:00.006-04:00

proof that sometimes marketers and math actually go together. kind of.

see you on the flip side.

2008-05-12T21:10:00.004-04:00

(via geogreeting)

this also happens to me on the treadmill.

2008-05-12T17:49:00.005-04:00

we must be allergic. pity.

a race to the bottom.

2008-05-12T14:12:00.007-04:00

go here to do your part for the advancement of dog-kind by voting for the 2008 world's ugliest dog.

for inspiration, here's last year's winner, elwood (jersey represent!):

however, i'm personally rooting for this hawt bitch:

miss ellie's own bio describes her as very "unique" looking.

meanwhile, you know you've got a decent shot at the title when the ominous use of vague descriptors like interesting and special are compounded by the addition of quotation marks.

now i'm waiting for a pr release re: the human edition of this contest. and the vh1 reality show showing all of the backstage cat fights. pun partially intended.

this just in.

2008-05-12T11:35:00.005-04:00

(courtesy of family feud)

john o'hurley: which presidential candidate seems the most presidential?

contestant 1: george washington.
contestant 2: ronald reagan.
contestant 3: thomas jefferson.

oh my. i didn't realize the word candidate was so... confusing.

chummy voldemort.

2008-05-11T16:16:00.005-04:00

also, i ♥ dumbledore.

(source)

oh, tyra.

2008-05-09T15:08:00.003-04:00

you are truly batshit crazy.

and just in case you were wondering what the real thing looked like:

honestly, how much do you think these women were paid by unilever to scream about their new $100 jars of vaseline?

(source)

family treason.

2008-05-09T14:00:00.006-04:00

my mom was wandering around the mall while i got my nails done today. when i found her afterwards, she was carrying a dick's sporting goods bag. although she is admittedly more athletic than i (don't think that bar could really be any lower though), that was a surprise. when i went to go see what she had purchased, she whipped out these:

meanwhile, why are my parents even in town visiting? for my graduation. from DUKE.

in her defense though, she thought the initials stood for the state, not the university. also, they were a bargain basement price of $5. infer what you will from the deep discount.

my beach week discovery.

2008-05-08T12:15:00.004-04:00

apparently i've been missing out because the price is right is HILARIOUS.

people matter, but celebrities matter more.

2008-05-07T22:32:00.004-04:00

i don't like john mayer as a musician. like at all. even though i (un)willingly have the wondrous body-land song on my ipod. but if he's willing to embrace his tooliness, i support him 100%.

bravo.

gang wars in south africa.

2008-05-07T22:15:00.002-04:00

lesson of the day? never count out the underdog. he could have a lot of really big, aggressive friends.

just how much does my car hate me?

2008-05-04T00:23:00.012-04:00

...so much so that it digested and regurgitated the drive belt completely of its own accord, thus rendering the cooling and power steering systems completely useless. in the middle of i-95. the mechanic literally went looking for the belt and just found a few strands left behind. and i'm pretty sure we ran over whatever it decided to eject. either that or a small animal. bastard (my car, that is).

i just needed like, FOUR MORE WEEKS. two of which i would be OUT OF TOWN. dear saaby, please DIAF. you totally usurped my graduation dress fund. BASTARD.

apologies, i clearly have serious issues with my soon to be abandoned car. THE BASTARD!

(pic source)

i grew up on this stuff.

2008-05-01T10:59:00.003-04:00

it turned the milk an organically natural purplish blue color. it was AWESOME. regular milk just wasn't sweet enough after that sugar-coma inducing blast.

delicious. no, really.

do professionals write the show descriptions on digital cable?

2008-04-29T15:38:00.004-04:00

is that like an actual job? that i can apply for? because i think i would have a natural knack for it. and it would clearly be immensely personally rewarding.

or at least that's what i imagine the proud author of the following feels about his/her profession.

i bow to your expertise.

2008-04-29T11:46:00.005-04:00

i was googling "beverly hills 90210 graduation speech" (don't ask) and came across this:

About Crystal | Expertise:
I have seen all 10 seasons of 90210 and have every episode on tape to locate answers. My expertise is on the first 6 seasons and the characters Brenda and Dylan, but I will attempt to answer any question pertaining to the show. Please no scene/dialogue questions because they are very time-consuming and frustrating. However, I will be happy to clarify misunderstood dialogue due to whispering and such if I'm able to. I will attempt to answer any song question from the show's original airing.

wow. on TAPE. now THAT is hardcore.

according to my aptitude test, i'd make an excellent secretary.

2008-04-28T19:36:00.005-04:00

some insightful commentary on entry-level jobs for undergrads, courtesy of careerbuilder.com via cnn:

A degree in history (aka liberal arts) means you can be an educator, researcher, communicator or editor, information manager, advocate or even a businessperson.

Journalism majors will find successful careers in print, broadcast or radio journalism, as well as opportunities in media relations.

Nursing majors can find job opportunities in hospitals, clinics, doctor offices and other medical facilities.

good to know that the proper major/job stereotypes continue to be propagated amongst the millenials.