stupid human tricks.

brought to you by jeff bridges. yes, that jeff bridges.

{source}

happy birthday, america.

we humiliate the canine race in your honor.









(all images via flickr)

from shady to what?!? in five seconds.

via time.com:

As summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies—more than four times the number of pregnancies the 1,200-student school had last year. Some adults dismissed the statistic as a blip. Others blamed hit movies like Juno and Knocked Up for glamorizing young unwed mothers. But principal Joseph Sullivan knows at least part of the reason there's been such a spike in teen pregnancies in this Massachusetts fishing town. School officials started looking into the matter as early as October after an unusual number of girls began filing into the school clinic to find out if they were pregnant. By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, "some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Sullivan says. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Then the story got worse. "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," the principal says, shaking his head.

incremental innovation in full effect.

not sure how much time little boys spent time thinking about their various crushes and whether they would live in mansions, apartments, shacks or houses with them, but the girls i know did. which was why we played mash incessantly during sleepovers, field trips and phys ed. many a crush was revealed during those lil labors o' luv.

well apparently the actual labor part of filling out the mash form was way too much for the millenials, so it has also been digitized like word processing and human interaction. you can play your own version here. or here. or here. apparently everyone is playing mash except you.

so here is my own future as determined by mash. all info that follows is true to life with the exception of each fifth entry. under the new jersey school of mash regulation, the last space has to be filled out with the worst possible option, although i definitely forgot what the numbers and colors were for. i mistakenly assumed number of marriages and house decorating schemes, respectively. this is the gen-y yuppie in me talking.


and without further ado, here is my future as predicted by mash:


it is surprisingly spot on. i would TOTALLY marry optimus prime in a heartbeat. squee!

the times, they are a changin'.

high fives are totally like, 2000.

(source)

i pity the foo(l).

until today, i didn't really understand the point of perler beads, though it did teach me to iron back in the day. then i saw this work of genius by shayne at trans-craft-inental:

wow. in comparison, i'm pretty sure that in 1988, my whole family received some variant of the following as christmas gifts. it was a banner year for them, i'm sure.

meanwhile, as i was searching for images of perler bead handiwork, i came across the perler bead prodigy simon, who managed to fashion this monkey and accompanying banana at the young age of five:

v impressive. and apparently there is no ceiling to the age appropriateness of perler beads, as evidenced by krysten, who could maybe stand to learn a few things from simon.

now i know what i'm getting my grandma for christmas this year. she'll be the 4'8" tall lady leading the next perler bead movement in south korea. it's gonna be HUGE.

a race to the bottom.

go here to do your part for the advancement of dog-kind by voting for the 2008 world's ugliest dog.

for inspiration, here's last year's winner, elwood (jersey represent!):

however, i'm personally rooting for this hawt bitch:

miss ellie's own bio describes her as very "unique" looking.

meanwhile, you know you've got a decent shot at the title when the ominous use of vague descriptors like interesting and special are compounded by the addition of quotation marks.

now i'm waiting for a pr release re: the human edition of this contest. and the vh1 reality show showing all of the backstage cat fights. pun partially intended.

apparently cnn isn't the only one bungling headlines.

recent catchy attention-getters include:

• 'Baby Mama' delivers top spot at North American box office (afp)
• 'Baby Mama' Hits Box-Office Mother Lode, Locking Up 'Harold & Kumar' In Second Place (mtv)
• Bundle of cash birthed: "Baby Mama" tops box office (mlive.com)
• Oh, Baby! Tina Fey Smokes Harold and Kumar (E!)
• Women deliver 'Baby Mama' to top over 'Harold & Kumar' at box office (USA Today)
• Baby Mama delivers a number one (sheknows.com)
• A Healthy Arrival For Baby Mama (Empire Online UK)
• 'Baby' steps to top of the box office (Variety)
• Audiences adopt 'Baby Mama' as $17M box-office favorite (San Jose Mercury News)
• 'Baby Mama' Brings Funny to Full Term (ABC News)

meanwhile, the best opening sentence? definitely the following, courtesy of canada's national post:

Baby Mama had a wonderful christening over the weekend but don’t expect much of a growth spurt in the coming weeks because Iron Man’s poised to dominate every thing in its path.

TWO puns in just ONE sentence? all writers should aspire to be so... ambitious.

nothing is truly original.

this (un)ironically includes this post.

source.

when boybands strike back.

you know that a boyband is on its way down once it releases its fuck-you-to-the-bubblegum-pop-haters song.

the new kids edition:

the backstreet boys rendition:

the n sync version:

the nkotb "song" is the first "rap" i ever knew all of the lyrics to. it really advanced my social standing, i can tell you that much.

to bill gates and nancy botwin - i wish you all the best... in hell.

i love that in attempt to remain hip and with it, the vatican has updated the seven deadly sins, including:

1. genetic engineering
   
2. polluting
3. drug dealing
4. abortion
5. causing social injustice
6. pedophilia
7. obscene wealth

but really, i only mention this because i thought the following was rather clever regarding all of those old school sins:

meanwhile, i probably punched my ticket when i didn't really ever pick up a religion. i don't suppose worshiping my dvr really counts.

(source)

variations on a theme.

do i smell a pattern? here are some keywords that have led visitors here over the past few weeks:

1. your love is hotter then a hot pocket
2. you're hotter than a hot pocket
3. redneck wedding hot pocket
4. hotter than a hot pocket
5. i love hot pockets
6. "i wish i could put your love in a locket... because you’re hotter than a hot pocket"
7. your hotter than a hot pocket
8. big redneck wedding + hot pocket
9. i love hot pockets video granny
10. i want to put your love in a locket hotter than a hot pocket
11. i wish i could put my love in a locket, your hotter than a hot pocket
12. "i wish i could put your love in a locket because your hotter than a hot pocket."
13. "i wish i could put your love in a locket, because you're hotter then a hot pocket"
14. love in a locket hot pocket
15. love like a locket hot pocket
16. my big redneck wedding' i love hot pockets'
17. redneck wedding hotter than a hot pocket video
18. oh i love hot pockets!

i don't know. it's still pretty early in the day for me, so i could be wrong.

a drinking game proposal.

i'm still about infinity years away from owning any real estate of my own, so i choose to live vicariously through the various house-flipping shows on (what else?) tv - flip that house, flip this house, flip it back (the one epi that aired), real estate pros and property ladder (m, interestingly enough, has a definite crush on kirsten kemp who btw, was RHONDA on saved by the bell back in the day).

anyway, despite the constantly rotating cast of characters, there are definitely enough buzzwords bandied about to merit a (ta da!) drinking game. the rules are easy - drink every time you hear the following. if you hear two terms in one sentence, then you have to chug for five seconds.

(for someone who turns asian red on her second sip of alcohol and is done after three drinks, five seconds is a LONG time. seriously. ask my friend who witnessed me barfing on a campus lawn after drinking three zimas in college. ok, it may have been two.)

anyway, on to the buzzwords!

• master suite
• (original) hardwood floors
• granite/slate/marble countertops
• stainless steel appliances
• curb appeal
  
• custom cabinets
• fresh paint
• travertine
• french doors
• breakfast bar
• over budget
• pass-through
• recessed/track lighting
• walk-in closet
  
• arch(es)
• mortgage payment
• energy efficient windows
• staging (chug if they define what staging means)
• pedestal sink
• crown mo(u)lding
  

also, i thought i should point out that this is my week of "finals". i go on spring break for about three weeks starting next tuesday. i know. i'm also frightened for me. sometimes i worry that i'll be that lady on nip/tuck who had to be surgically detached from the sofa. you can't stick to ultrasuede, right? RIGHT???

are you an indie-yuppie?

so apparently i'm about three years delayed on the adoption curve, but in light of our recent household acquisition below, i thought the following was appropriate. here's a quiz, originally published in the NY Post in May 2005:

The "Indie-Yuppie" Quiz: Add 1 for every “yes” answer. Your score will tell you your "Indie-Yuppie" status.

1. Do you own a “vintage” T-shirt purchased at Urban Outfitters?
2. Have you been “on the list” at a rock show at least once in the past month?
3. Are your white iPod earbuds a source of pride?
4. Do you know what “grime” is?
5. Have you ever done a Web search to find the name of a song used in a VW ad?
6. Do you have a Gmail account?
7. Did “Garden State” speak to you as no other film ever has?
8. Do you own at least one white belt?
9. Do you have a fully articulated stance on Bright Eyes?
10. Do you regularly read Paste, the NME, and/or The New Yorker?
11. Do you have a TiVo?
12. If yes, do you have a season pass to one or more of the following: “The O.C.,” “Best Week Ever,” “Gilmore Girls,” “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic”?
13. Have you ever paid more than $50 for one pair of jeans?
14. Do you have a blog?
15. Are you confused as to whether or not it’s OK to like Coldplay?

Score!

0-5: Borderline. You have yet to realize that even hipsters enjoy that Kelly Clarkson single.

5-10: On the verge, although you really, truly hate the Arcade Fire.

10-15: The epitome of indie-yuppiedom - but we won’t tell anyone about your trust fund.

it's rather dated, but it still bears the ring of truth. for the record, m and i score an 11 between the two of us.

and just to clarify, indie-yuppies are a breed distinct from hipsters:


although if you know m at all, he comes pretty friggin close.

the hip hop macarena.

you know a song is about to die when it gets a segment on American Morning.



i love when cnn tries to be street.

sass me (please).

my technology-short-bus-riding ass has finally learned how to enable commentary, but you can only see the link to do so if you click on a post.

so sass me back. all three of you.

private to mom & dad: just tell me in person, ok? or message me on facebook.

the next big thing.

american gladiators is obviously the newest, awesomest thing to waste an hour of your primetime viewing pleasure and, unlike the pandora's box genius, it CAN be fully evidenced:

• Exhibit A: awesome application of alliteration re: AG (but really just filler to prove my point)
  
• Exhibit B: the lurid underbelly that was this campy competition classic of the 90s
• Exhibit C: a where-are-they-now piece on the original six (nitro ftw)
• Exhibit D: the i-could-have-been-a-contender aspect of AG, courtesy of erie, pa
• Exhibit E: and finally, ESPN's acknowledgment of AG means that it's like, a real sports show, right? (some) kidding aside, this was easily the most (intentionally) hilarious thing i've read in... hours
  

you might also infer that i've been watching a lot of law & order. those (unintentional, cross-network) marathons are like crack, i swear.

tetris, the international phenomenon.

the euro version:



the japanese version:



the american version:

it's just that simple and it's just that hard.

another highly efficient way to spend the afternoon making stuff.


because everyone needs to be able to create harajuku paper dolls of him/herself that can also be printed out as greeting cards. not totally sure how gwen got hooked up with HP, but thank you. i have a completely heartfelt girlcrush on her.


someone should tell this guy about it. i'm pretty sure he'd have a ball.

i clocked in at 17.

see how you measure up here.

(thanks to m for the heads up)