i ♥ police blotters.

every time i go home to my parents' house, i always read the police blotter in the local weeklies. this is partly because i have an excellent sense of curiosity and literacy, but mostly because i want to see if anyone i knew growing up was caught doing something comprising/naughty/embarrassing/illicit enough to be documented in the free neighborhood newspaper.

anyway, i was reminded of this resume-building trait as a result of the following snippet:

also, what does " 'rectum problems' " mean?

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best alibi ever?

straight from (where else?) cnn:

Michele Davis-Balfour, Balfour's mother, passionately defended her son Monday to reporters. She said that at least one of the witnesses that police used to build a case against Balfour was lying.

"My son did not do this. I am sick of this. They need to focus on somebody else," Davis-Balfour said.

She said Balfour has a alibi, he was with one of his three girlfriends the night of the slaying.

"He was with Diana that night and with Kate in the morning," she said.

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for your (oscar) consideration.

i mean, movies about senior year of high school are indeed TOTALLY EPIC (see this, this and that).

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the space-time continuum.

so how dumb am i that i don't understand the whole letters-traversing-a-two-year-span mechanic of this movie?

good thing oxygen is airing it back-to-back so i can catch it again.

also kudos to sandra bullock because honestly, how good of actress do you have to be to actually have on-screen chemistry with keanu?

update: guessing i'm not the only perplexed viewer, in light of this wikipedia bullet point -

The essential plot point, therefore, boils down to this: Alex only knows Kate is at Daley Plaza in the beginning because she warns him — and asks him to wait — at the end, but for Alex to be alive to meet Kate in 2008 he must first be killed in 2006. Even in the case of parallel time lines, for it is an established fact that these must eventually meet if they are to be parallel in the first place (although higher entropy results in more information, not less). So, which came first in time? Valentine's Day, 2006, or Valentine's Day, 2008? It is, in point of fact, neither and both — at the same time. Though not a paradox as such, it is indeed a working contradiction, as neither retrocausality nor duality inherently apply.

hilarious.

what i'm currently debating.

for pretty much all of september, i've had to attempt to contain a raging internal debate. i submit my arguments / rebuttals / redirects for your consideration.

so after watching (wasting?) eight hours (minus commercial breaks, so really more like 6.67 hours), i can't tell which cw show is better. and by better, i mean horrifically, train wreck-rubberneckingly awful.

in one corner, there is one tree hill featuring the utter douchebaggery of chad michael murray, which, when combined with his atrociously amazing dramatic acting skill(z) is a potent force to be contended with:

honestly there were SO many pics to choose from to illustrate my point, but this was an immediate fave. anyway, i sincerely feel that i could write for this show. furthermore, my brother's dog could write for this show. one of their current plotlines involves brooke, who started her own clothing line in high school. in tree hill, north carolina.

anyway, clothes over bro's has clearly evolved into a giant lifestyle empire but brooke chooses to keep it real by running the conglomerate from her boutique in tree hill. i know. and then this season, she gets viciously mauled by some random robber at her store, but now brooke's mother is being fingered as the conspirator who sicced the perpetrator on her own daughter. yes, really.

WHAT? i don't even know what i just said. sometimes the words just flow from my fingers.

so in the other corner, we have the young upstart, 90210 (like you're even surprised i'm watching). not only does it lack any histrionic, hilariously poorly acted teen angst like the original, but sadly chris lorenzo (of silk stalkings fame, i.e., the BEST OPENING CREDITS on tv EVER and don't pretend you didn't watch it on USA during summer break) and aunt becky just do not begin to measure up to jim and cindy walsh.

everyone else and their mom has commented on how painfully tiny the 90210 girls are and so i will just add, why does everyone (and their corresponding maternal figures) think eating a sandwich / cheeseburger / other variant of meat between a consumption vehicle composed of two bread products will solve this problem? i don't particularly enjoy that food group all that much, but i clearly don't have the if-i-turn-sideways-i-become-invisible issue plaguing this show.

also, would kelly taylor really be a guidance counselor? AND brenda just happens to be a drama teacher? REALLY? if they bring donna martin back, she better fucking be a special ed teacher, otherwise the whole premise of bring back the old guys will totally be shot to hell.

i will offer kudos for the inclusion of an andrea-zuckermanesque high school student in the 21-going-on-38 character of naomi:

so both shows are currently among my dvr-ed series (in HD, nonetheless!) and i really think i have to cut at least one of them from the roster. you have no idea how busy my dvr is going to be this week (thank god for the vp debates preempting a somewhat significant portion of my queue on thursday). i literally won't be surprised if it becomes overheated from exhaustion.

btw m is always somewhat surprised to discover the dvr light on at 3:00 a.m. on a tuesday night, to which i am like, what? as there's no chance i'm wasting precious primetime recording slots on the latest real world / road rules challenge, though i wholly support the whole mtv-producers-withholding-food-but-still-supplying-contestants-with-booze initiative.

as you can tell, i am quite passionate about the whole thing. so much so that i'm considering adding this to my list of "activities + interests" on my resume. i suppose these run-ons / stream of consciousness are the results of not doing a tv brain dump since the beginning of the fall premiere season.

what? i've been busy.

a collection of ridiculous. or ludicrous, as the case may be.

{ exhibit a : wsj's take on kendra from the girls next door }

{ exhibit b : just really, REALLY unfortunate (read: awesome) timing. and gesturing. and facial expressions. }


{ exhibit c : my new bff ludacris and me. obvi i was the lame corporate asian lady at his hawt dinner party }

i swear that is not a wax figurine, people! if only i had a $500 for every time someone mentioned that. i would be a five hundred-aire.

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cnn strikes again.

a terribly awkward sentence in an otherwise sad article about the american olympian battling testicular cancer:

He also has the support of his girlfriend... who played the key role in discovering the cancer.

alas. i have the maturity of a four year old boy.

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how many things are wrong with this picture?

in some instances, not necessarily this one, but in some instances, INFINITY is the right answer.

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my return to the world of work.

loosely paraphrased from a (WORK) email, the reply to which i was cc-ed on yesterday:

"...it was really great to meet you at that event. i'm pissed and a little sad that they didn't serve us the food right away and instead, made us sit through the boring shit before the edible payoff. what up wit dat? my giant ass is still recovering from the numbness incurred by sitting for so long during that FREE dinner.

anyhow, may i request the pleasure of your company during a market visit some time in the foreseeable future?"

this hereby proves that "anyhow" is the universe's greatest single transition word ever. how else could anyone POSSIBLY connect a numb butt memory trigger with a formal visit request?

WHAT.

honestly, how many different BIZARRE things have to come together simultaneously, all perfect-storm-like, in order to make this picture happen?

really, progeny of hulkamania, this is how you want to present yourself to the star magazines of the world?

excellent choice.

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WHAT.

this is like saying marc by marc jacobs is not affiliated with marc jacobs, y/y? also, what does it mean for your self-worth that you are touted as being better than a bottomless buffet?

well in america, i'm pretty sure that means you're fucking golden.

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business talk of the day.

from the front page of today's wsj:

One mall owner says he talked to Steve & Barry's about leasing space, but the terms they demanded were absurd. "Leasing to them would have been like bringing prostitutes to a party to look popular," he says. "They might look good, but you're paying for it."

if he means prostitutes with lots of school spirit, i totally concur.

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what is, if you don't know the answer to this, we're not really friends?

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appropriate work attire, as interpreted by arden b.

apparently if you throw a blazer on over ANYTHING, it counts as work wear, like the jorts/jacket combo below:


also, halter tops proclaim, "i'm dressing for the job i want, not the job i have!"

...particularly when paired with booty shorts.

note that arden b never exactly articulates what kind of work you're... "performing" when wearing these to the "office."

posts like this make me feel way old. excuse me while i go antiquing and shout at the neighborhood kids for laughing too loudly.

(the proof is in the puddin')

let the romance begin (!).

this voicemail reminds me of one of those giant cartoon snowballs that just get awesome-r and awesome-r as it quickly goes downhill. i've found that anyone who has to call himself a catch is indeed, a true catch (and release). background story here.



p.s. bonus points for his url! be sure to sign up for his various self-help courses like "slut finder" and "confident aura builder"

of course the yankees have this guy.

switch-hitting batter + switch-throwing pitcher = infinite baseball feedback loop.



the most comical recap starts at 3:40. dummies.

from shady to what?!? in five seconds.

via time.com:

As summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies—more than four times the number of pregnancies the 1,200-student school had last year. Some adults dismissed the statistic as a blip. Others blamed hit movies like Juno and Knocked Up for glamorizing young unwed mothers. But principal Joseph Sullivan knows at least part of the reason there's been such a spike in teen pregnancies in this Massachusetts fishing town. School officials started looking into the matter as early as October after an unusual number of girls began filing into the school clinic to find out if they were pregnant. By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, "some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Sullivan says. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Then the story got worse. "We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," the principal says, shaking his head.

gems from lala-land.

courtesy of us weekly:

McConaughey, 38, was seen "resting in a ditch" before "screaming in broken Spanish" to patrons at the Iguana bar in San Juan Del Sur that he'd lost one of his flip-flops, according to the report.

From Charlie Sheen: "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings."

also, this just in from miami animal police:

up next, the cat dumper still refuses to accept responsibility for his actions.

busy night.

back on the headline horse.

two out of the three headlines below are NOT news:


also, please ignore which links i clicked on. i'm not a serial killer/nascar fan, i swear.

dickies get an upscale makeover.

this guy looks like he could be the rare hybrid toeing the fashion meets finance line:


...but just kidding! he totally loses all credibility in both realms when you realize he's just wearing the business professional equivalent of a dickey (technically known as a business bib) over his wifebeater:

SO hawt. i guarantee that the slanket guy makes excellent use of these during his teleconferences with all of those "retailers."

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