best alibi ever?

straight from (where else?) cnn:

Michele Davis-Balfour, Balfour's mother, passionately defended her son Monday to reporters. She said that at least one of the witnesses that police used to build a case against Balfour was lying.

"My son did not do this. I am sick of this. They need to focus on somebody else," Davis-Balfour said.

She said Balfour has a alibi, he was with one of his three girlfriends the night of the slaying.

"He was with Diana that night and with Kate in the morning," she said.

{ source }

for your (oscar) consideration.

i mean, movies about senior year of high school are indeed TOTALLY EPIC (see this, this and that).

{ source }

all the single ladies.

fyi - best snl skit of the night:

Bee skit @ (Nov 15 2008)
by thebeyoncenetwork

here's the pre-assignment if you aren't quite sure why the back-up dancers are dressed the way they are:



also paul rudd, i ♥ you.

why cnn is so awesome.

the headline juggernaut second life affair ends in divorce has been on the front page for at least two full days now. and not even buried in the technology section. or europe. good thing, because IT IS THE BEST NEWS STORY EVER.

to recap:


these charmers got married after meeting in an internet chatroom in 2003. in second life, the dude (on the left) is this dude (on the right):

on top of that, he named his avatar DAVE BARMY. i couldn't find a picture of laura skye (her avatar and DAVE BARMY's now ex-wife) but never fear, time magazine describes her as follows:

Online, Laura Skye works as a club DJ and is 6 feet tall, weighs 112 lb. and has a penchant for skin-tight cowgirl outfits. In reality, [Amy] Taylor, an unemployed former waitress, is 5 feet 4 inches tall, weighs 224 lb. and prefers T shirts and leggings.

solid burn, time mag!

anyway, he blames her for the break-up, despite DAVE BARMY being caught having sex with a second life ho (the pink haired, blue turtlenecked lady above):

Amy never did anything around the house. She just played World of Warcraft all the time.

all's well that ends well though:

[Amy] Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

you go girl?

the space-time continuum.

so how dumb am i that i don't understand the whole letters-traversing-a-two-year-span mechanic of this movie?

good thing oxygen is airing it back-to-back so i can catch it again.

also kudos to sandra bullock because honestly, how good of actress do you have to be to actually have on-screen chemistry with keanu?

update: guessing i'm not the only perplexed viewer, in light of this wikipedia bullet point -

The essential plot point, therefore, boils down to this: Alex only knows Kate is at Daley Plaza in the beginning because she warns him — and asks him to wait — at the end, but for Alex to be alive to meet Kate in 2008 he must first be killed in 2006. Even in the case of parallel time lines, for it is an established fact that these must eventually meet if they are to be parallel in the first place (although higher entropy results in more information, not less). So, which came first in time? Valentine's Day, 2006, or Valentine's Day, 2008? It is, in point of fact, neither and both — at the same time. Though not a paradox as such, it is indeed a working contradiction, as neither retrocausality nor duality inherently apply.

hilarious.

what i'm currently debating.

for pretty much all of september, i've had to attempt to contain a raging internal debate. i submit my arguments / rebuttals / redirects for your consideration.

so after watching (wasting?) eight hours (minus commercial breaks, so really more like 6.67 hours), i can't tell which cw show is better. and by better, i mean horrifically, train wreck-rubberneckingly awful.

in one corner, there is one tree hill featuring the utter douchebaggery of chad michael murray, which, when combined with his atrociously amazing dramatic acting skill(z) is a potent force to be contended with:

honestly there were SO many pics to choose from to illustrate my point, but this was an immediate fave. anyway, i sincerely feel that i could write for this show. furthermore, my brother's dog could write for this show. one of their current plotlines involves brooke, who started her own clothing line in high school. in tree hill, north carolina.

anyway, clothes over bro's has clearly evolved into a giant lifestyle empire but brooke chooses to keep it real by running the conglomerate from her boutique in tree hill. i know. and then this season, she gets viciously mauled by some random robber at her store, but now brooke's mother is being fingered as the conspirator who sicced the perpetrator on her own daughter. yes, really.

WHAT? i don't even know what i just said. sometimes the words just flow from my fingers.

so in the other corner, we have the young upstart, 90210 (like you're even surprised i'm watching). not only does it lack any histrionic, hilariously poorly acted teen angst like the original, but sadly chris lorenzo (of silk stalkings fame, i.e., the BEST OPENING CREDITS on tv EVER and don't pretend you didn't watch it on USA during summer break) and aunt becky just do not begin to measure up to jim and cindy walsh.

everyone else and their mom has commented on how painfully tiny the 90210 girls are and so i will just add, why does everyone (and their corresponding maternal figures) think eating a sandwich / cheeseburger / other variant of meat between a consumption vehicle composed of two bread products will solve this problem? i don't particularly enjoy that food group all that much, but i clearly don't have the if-i-turn-sideways-i-become-invisible issue plaguing this show.

also, would kelly taylor really be a guidance counselor? AND brenda just happens to be a drama teacher? REALLY? if they bring donna martin back, she better fucking be a special ed teacher, otherwise the whole premise of bring back the old guys will totally be shot to hell.

i will offer kudos for the inclusion of an andrea-zuckermanesque high school student in the 21-going-on-38 character of naomi:

so both shows are currently among my dvr-ed series (in HD, nonetheless!) and i really think i have to cut at least one of them from the roster. you have no idea how busy my dvr is going to be this week (thank god for the vp debates preempting a somewhat significant portion of my queue on thursday). i literally won't be surprised if it becomes overheated from exhaustion.

btw m is always somewhat surprised to discover the dvr light on at 3:00 a.m. on a tuesday night, to which i am like, what? as there's no chance i'm wasting precious primetime recording slots on the latest real world / road rules challenge, though i wholly support the whole mtv-producers-withholding-food-but-still-supplying-contestants-with-booze initiative.

as you can tell, i am quite passionate about the whole thing. so much so that i'm considering adding this to my list of "activities + interests" on my resume. i suppose these run-ons / stream of consciousness are the results of not doing a tv brain dump since the beginning of the fall premiere season.

what? i've been busy.

a collection of ridiculous. or ludicrous, as the case may be.

{ exhibit a : wsj's take on kendra from the girls next door }

{ exhibit b : just really, REALLY unfortunate (read: awesome) timing. and gesturing. and facial expressions. }


{ exhibit c : my new bff ludacris and me. obvi i was the lame corporate asian lady at his hawt dinner party }

i swear that is not a wax figurine, people! if only i had a $500 for every time someone mentioned that. i would be a five hundred-aire.

{ source 2 }

back from hiatus.

i was waiting to return with a splash and here's what i came up with:

i'm sure hermes is completely pleased with this gratis product placement.

also, i totally met ludacris last night. HE TOUCHED MY ARM.

carry on.

{source}

i watch the olympics for the patriotic ads.

i bow down to the brilliant sports marketing machine that produced the following:





jesus. no one does inspiring, patriotic, i-should-really-get-off-my-ass-after-watching-the-olympics-for-six-straight-hours quite like the badass folks at nike. i heard the second ad before i saw it and the music itself was enough to get me to stop what i was doing and pay attention to the entire ad. in this, the third decade of my life and more importantly, the era of dvr, that's powerful shit. i am proud to be an american.

...unless they are kind of losing or not in the running altogether, in which case i will root indiscriminately for pretty much any asian (team) in the running. those chinese kids really know what they fuck they're doing. my money's on them. unless it looks like they are going to lose.

cnn strikes again.

a terribly awkward sentence in an otherwise sad article about the american olympian battling testicular cancer:

He also has the support of his girlfriend... who played the key role in discovering the cancer.

alas. i have the maturity of a four year old boy.

{source}

how many things are wrong with this picture?

in some instances, not necessarily this one, but in some instances, INFINITY is the right answer.

{source}

some sage advice.

{source}

something is in the air.

or the water.

on the subway ride home today, i swear i saw TWO guys sporting perms. one was gelled for that totally practical and always believable soaking-wet-all-day look. i know two is just a coincidence and three is a trend, but... really?

also, you would be surprised at how many pictures come up under "guy perm".

my latest bad habit.

as of late, i've been stuck at the gym longer than i'd ever want to be (e.g., more than 28 seconds) due to my gross absorption into some random show on the tvs there. tonight, it was celebrity family feud (seeing the cast of the office made me yearn for the return of primetime). even worse, on saturday, it was a lifetime MOVIE. it sucks to not want to leave your elliptical machine for TWO HOURS in order to see how a teenage couple who got married at 18, work out the trials and tribulations of him working construction to pay the bills and her going to harvard (naturally).

i'm pretty sure i smelled funny after hour 1.

dear childhood.

please stop batter-ramming my proverbial front door. i like my nostalgic excitement in small, regularly dispensed doses. however, today i found out that:

a) there is a 90210 ipod in the market now. seriously. i always wished i could stare at a brooding dylan mckay while cursing the dying, irreplaceable battery of my ipod. i wonder how many of the 2000 limited edition ipods will have "donna martin graduates!" engraved on the bottom. my guess is 1999 of them. there's always a broody rebel in the bunch.

b) so then i find out that i can now download some of the best shows on nickelodeon (EVER) on my new ironically nostalgic ipod because they released HEY DUDE and CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL on itunes. i know christine taylor is a big shot actress now, but i remember her days as melody hanson, working for mr. ernst and watching a girl named brad flirt-fight with ted (btw whatever happened to david lascher?). but we all know it was her turn as marcia in the various brady bunch movie resurrections that truly skyrocketed her to fame. ben stiller be damned.

c) finally, a new new kids (heh) collaboration with neyo will drop on august 12. it's not the catchiest thing i've ever heard, but it'll do. JON I LOVE YOU

gotta run. celine's all by myself is belting out of my tv right now.

my return to the world of work.

loosely paraphrased from a (WORK) email, the reply to which i was cc-ed on yesterday:

"...it was really great to meet you at that event. i'm pissed and a little sad that they didn't serve us the food right away and instead, made us sit through the boring shit before the edible payoff. what up wit dat? my giant ass is still recovering from the numbness incurred by sitting for so long during that FREE dinner.

anyhow, may i request the pleasure of your company during a market visit some time in the foreseeable future?"

this hereby proves that "anyhow" is the universe's greatest single transition word ever. how else could anyone POSSIBLY connect a numb butt memory trigger with a formal visit request?

what a busy weekend means to me.

i finally have my own tv in my own bedroom. it is both literally and figuratively the most valuable thing i own now. and as expected, the combination cable/dvr + bed with memory foam are pretty much impossible to resist. i might have technically been in bed 90% of my waking hours today. that's just a rough (read: low) estimate, though.

i did get off my ass to see the dark knight last night and hence, my latest tiger beat-esque crush was born:

he was the perfect bruce wayne. also, just cause:

oh my.

{source}

that's my dream, too.

just overheard on tv:

(brittany) he was a model for some self-tanning company.
(stassi) NO way!
(brittany nods) he was.
(stassi totally serious) that is like MY DREAM! are you serious?!? he was a self-tanner model!

observe more brilliant conversation first hand on queen bees. but of course, that would mean you have to watch the n.

call me when you need rebuttal tips for when your bf/gf/parent/sib/psycho craigslist roommate decides to judge you.

WHAT.

honestly, how many different BIZARRE things have to come together simultaneously, all perfect-storm-like, in order to make this picture happen?

really, progeny of hulkamania, this is how you want to present yourself to the star magazines of the world?

excellent choice.

{source}

the grossest thing i have ever seen in person.

is it:

a) a man eating on the subway
b) a man eating on the subway with his legs crossed, kind of like this but with his ankle on the opposite knee cap
c) a man eating on the subway who picks up fallen crumbs on said ankle/shoe AND EATS THEM
d) a man eating on the subway who does (c) multiple times and then LICKS HIS DIRTY, SHOE-INFECTED FINGERS (why, all ten of them of course!) once he's finally done devouring his sub
e) all of the above
f) another guy i saw today of this size, riding a (tiny) ten speed bike TOPLESS

if you didn't choose (d) and/or (e) immediately, i really question whether or not you were that kid who needed the one-on-one deodorant chat in fifth grade.

you know what's weird?

for me, it's when you click on a random (seemingly obscure) link labeled soap opera name generator and you go to the spot to fill in your name and the dropdown box indicates that you've already been there before.

it's like déjà vu of the world wide web or some shit.

p.s. my name would be christine botolph-johnson-johnson. i don't get it either.

WHAT.

this is like saying marc by marc jacobs is not affiliated with marc jacobs, y/y? also, what does it mean for your self-worth that you are touted as being better than a bottomless buffet?

well in america, i'm pretty sure that means you're fucking golden.

{source}

really, the happiest i've ever been?

so i'm sitting here, pretty much the happiest i've been all week because:

a) so you think you can dance is on and they're finally down to the top 10, and
b) i am eating delicious indian takeout, and
c) my testosteroney roommates are nowhere to be found, so
d) i don't have to watch sports/sportscenter/any variant of espn, and
e) they made them dance to HERO by enrique AND OPEN ARMS AND CANNED HEAT, so
f) i am ecstatic. there is no sarcasm here.

for once.

my new (second) favorite hobby.

this is just plummy as wordart. don't worry, i am also shocked that the words "tv," "television," "reality" and "awesome" are not featured prominently.

the next two represent papers i wrote for a management course on (surprise!) innovation:


and my personal pride and joy (on so MANY levels) - a paper i wrote for an economics course on the hollywood writer's strike of 2007-08:

so in conclusion:

+ rehashing my own pointless writing
+ diverse font selection
+ various color palettes
= FULL of WIN.

create your own word clouds (honestly, what else are you going to do with all of those grad school papers?) here.

{source}

business talk of the day.

from the front page of today's wsj:

One mall owner says he talked to Steve & Barry's about leasing space, but the terms they demanded were absurd. "Leasing to them would have been like bringing prostitutes to a party to look popular," he says. "They might look good, but you're paying for it."

if he means prostitutes with lots of school spirit, i totally concur.

{source}

fratty mcfratterson versus the death stare.

here's a story told entirely in pictures.



dumbass.

{source}

trips to the dollar store just got a little better.

america is definitely hurting during the this-is(n't)-a-recession turmoil going on right now but in fabulous (!) news, dollar stores are totally going glam.

honestly, where else can you buy an MP34 player endorsed by katie holmes-cruise sporting the weirdest pseudo-asymmetrical haircut ever?

... or dreadlocks for white guys who are too lazy/yuppie/addicted to combs to grow their own? why, hello there sodapop curtis/sam seaborn/senator robert mcallister. i had no idea how heartfelt your adoration for kris kross continues to be:

and most importantly, here's how angelina manages to keep her waistline in... line.

twins-baby-weight is certainly no match for a magical hovering hula hoop made of giant legos.

{source}

stupid human tricks.

brought to you by jeff bridges. yes, that jeff bridges.

{source}

what is, if you don't know the answer to this, we're not really friends?

{source}

this is not america's next top best friend.

i just finished hauling my life's possessions (i.e., not even half of budget truck's mini movers) to my new place. i got the 360-degree moving-to-nyc experience, parking ticket, "deaf" policeperson-who-couldn't-hear-our-protests and all. awesome. i didn't think i would be laughing today, but some genius compiled the best. montage. ever.



it somehow perfectly captures the spirit of today.

(source)

if werewolves were tan, bulimic, addicted to meth and real.

this guy is also known as jeremy jackson, who used to be the one and only hobie buchannon:

he had to know nothing good would come from playing david hasselhoff's spawn. meanwhile, scary fact of the day? this guy is TWENTY-SEVEN. lay off the crack 'n' tanning kids!

this concludes the public service portion of this post. you're welcome.

(source)

happy birthday, america.

we humiliate the canine race in your honor.









(all images via flickr)

do you look like zach braff?

as far as i can tell, symptoms include:

• xy chromosomes
• of the caucasian race
  
• beak nose
• lush, full lips
• unkempt, mildly greasy hair
• goofy smirk

compare yourself to this brilliant, burgeoning list of men who look like zach braff. wow. you're welcome.

(source)
(doodle source - i ♥ the frontal attempts)

appropriate work attire, as interpreted by arden b.

apparently if you throw a blazer on over ANYTHING, it counts as work wear, like the jorts/jacket combo below:


also, halter tops proclaim, "i'm dressing for the job i want, not the job i have!"

...particularly when paired with booty shorts.

note that arden b never exactly articulates what kind of work you're... "performing" when wearing these to the "office."

posts like this make me feel way old. excuse me while i go antiquing and shout at the neighborhood kids for laughing too loudly.

(the proof is in the puddin')

remember when mtv's 10 spot used to be really dirty?

i remember it as My College Years. my roommates and i used to gather 'round the tv every night like our forefathers clustered around the hearth in the winter and watch undressed/celebrity deathmatch/daria/jackass/real world/road rules/spyder games before we flipped over to upn and the wb for blind date/elimidate/cheaters/5th wheel.

gosh, those were the days.

anyway, some AMAZING person in his/her INFINITE wisdom decided to post season one of mtv's undressed online, seeing as how mtv is c@#kblocking us via dvd. bitches. don't they know that this is gen-y's basic cable version of the red shoe diaries/skinemax? it is also adam brody's true claim to fame:



undressed really reshaped the way i view... canadian tv production. enjoy yourself here. just don't crash it ignoring your friends/family while watching all of the episodes in a row during your last week of freedom before moving to nyc and returning to the working world. i mean, if that's applicable. or whatever.

(image source)

a day trip proposal, courtesy of my mom.

so on the heels of watching local news coverage on how floyd landis' appeal has been rejected by some self-appointed sports governing body, my mom apparently only heard "lancaster county" and then turned to me, asking if i wanted to go visit mennonite country with her. in response to my subsequent question of why i would want to sacrifice precious eating/sleeping/tv watching/doing anything but visiting lancaster county time, she listed the following reasons:

1. there are chickens.
2. there are cows.
3. there are barns.

unfortunately for my mom, she failed to mention the outlets.

unsurprisingly, the trip is a no-go.

(sexy amish girl/strawberry shortcake-inspired costume via spencer's. please read the costume description at the site, as it is both ludicrous and awesome.)