i know i've already mentioned this.

but honestly, this is the most consistently hilarious thing i've read today. case in point:

when (april) fools' day attacks, japanese edition.

for some reason, today i remembered that on our trip to tokyo a while back, m and i spent a considerable amount of effort (relatively speaking, so take with token salt grain) wandering around ginza, actively looking for this massive godzilla statue. in our guide book, we had a picture like this to work from:

we're not sci-fi buffs, but thought it would be cool to take a pic by its feet claws or something. i mean, we are american. anyway, as we spent more time in ginza, we thought it was a little strange that the japanese would erect a giant monument to a monster in the middle of their posh shopping district, but we weren't judging. like i said, we are american.

so after walking around ALL DAY and not coming across any giant godzilla statues, we were about to give up and head back to the hotel. then we happened upon this on a random back street:

that's right. godzilla could literally be owned by a stuffed bear. because he is like 1.5 feet tall. the fucking pedestal doesn't count.

if there was ever a moment that we felt like stupid american tourists, that was probably it. i'm sure who ever erected that statue continues to delight in the sheer stupidity of all of the gullible americans seeking the godzilla monument in tokyo.

i mean, i would. well played.

clear eyes | full hearts | can't lose.

it's just what i needed - a new tv obsession and corresponding (mildly) inappropriate crush. though he plays (ahem) a sophomore in high school, i assure you that matt saracen in real life is actually 25, as per the 90210 school of tv casting.

based on my penchant for appalling television, i hope you know that i wouldn't force a classy recommendation upon you unless it was fucking AWESOME. and had very little to do with athletics. for context regarding my (legit) tv tastes, please reference this, this and that.

seriously, go watch free episodes of FNL here. i'll see you in about 40 hours.

a pamchenko (plot) twist.

dear abc family/abc/disney,

i am your next great ideas girl.

my qualifications: i just spent my late afternoon watching the cutting edge (i still ♥ moira & d.b.), the cutting edge 2 (same plot, just substitute rollerblading - so Xtreme! - for hockey and this time the dude gets distractingly engaged), and the cutting edge 3 (same plot, just swap gender roles so the boy is the figure skater and the girl is not only the hockey player but also the token minority - so diverse AND so efficient!).

anyway, here is just one of many pitch ideas i generated while watching cutting edge^3.

a male fashion editor has to write an advice column on how to be a dick to girls and tests his ideas on a female ad exec who coincidentally makes a bet with her male counterpart that she can win a lucrative condom account by making a guy fall in love with her. the title? how to lose a girl in 9 days. (think of the brand extensions! you have at least 8 iterations to work with as you countdown to 0; double that if you alternate between losing guys and girls)

you're welcome. i'll expect my check in the mail.

very truly yours,
c
xoxoxo

i've never been called that before.

(thursday afternoon)

me: dear admin, i'd love the roast beef wrap and pasta salad. thanks! best, christine.

(friday morning)

admin: ...and one roast beef wrap and pasta salad for christine.

(saturday afternoon)

apparently, my name is now a cross between christine and crostini. delicious.

(do you think WTF ever crossed the mind of the person labeling this box?)

and a vh1 star is born.

i don't know what's more (addictively) appalling:

• the guilt trips these stage parents lay on their kids for not already being the next hannah montana and/or acting like (surprise!) children;
• the desperation oozing off the parents as they try to live their hollywood dreams vicariously through their children, a.k.a. their pack mules to stardom;
  
• the brutal criticism the kids have to withstand from (hardened) industry professionals;
• the blame the parents (dis)place on the children every time their "teams" lose;
  
• or that danny bonaduce has carte blanche to determine the next kid star.

many thanks to the soup for bringing this to my attention. i can't believe i didn't hear about this show before, what with its lurid promise of horrific parental behavior AND bonaduce tantrums. i am clearly off my game.

the j.crew version of playing dirty.

i don't need a $200 madras bed for puppies i don't own and couldn't possibly take care of adequately. i don't need a $200 madras bed for puppies i don't own and couldn't possibly take care of adequately. i don't need a $200 madras bed for puppies i don't own and couldn't possibly take care of adequately. i don't need a $200 madras bed for puppies i don't own and couldn't possibly take care of adequately. i don't need a $200 madras bed for puppies i don't own and couldn't possibly take care of adequately.

i STILL wish i was blonde and a perfect size 6.

i'm not going to lie. the next time you're at the bookstore, you might just find me in the young adult section, surreptitiously reading this:

seriously, i used to be able to devour those books in two hours when i was in middle school. lila was awesome and todd was a punk. i also aspired to drive a red fiat or lime green triumph of my own one day. then in high school, instead of growing up and getting over it, i watched the tv show when it aired briefly on fox (and of course, followed it to upn):

also, for some inexplicable reason, the school library owns the above. and yes, i'm getting an mba. and no, it is not from strayer or a school in the caribbean.

maury povich, you are NOT the primary source of shady paternity tests.

now at rite-aid:
is this going to be the new boy equivalent of the pregnancy test scare, a la brenda walsh in season 2? that is, your parents inadvertently find a discarded paternity test box in your trash can and accuse you of having premarital sex with your rebel-girlfriend-with-a-trust-fund-and-an-old-soul before grounding you...?

regardless, at least maury has some high quality programming to fall back on, including the medical anomalies showcase, montages featuring clips from cheaters and real stories of the highway patrol, or the always classic "i was a dork/fatty/pipsqueak but now i'm fucking hot!" makeover-esque shows.

when moms meet the internet.

Re: gym

ok. have fun. remember muscle weighs more than fat. so watch the calories, too.

xo

seriously passive aggressive notes has NOTHING on this.

janet jackson, this is beneath you.

my favorite middle school slow dance song is still again. i used to do the elliptical to all for you in college. i don't know what (music) you're putting out these days, but stop whoring yourself out in the name of publicity. honestly. you're too good for this.

"it's the dance of the video!"


"no janet, you have a big ass."

passive aggression + quotation marks = win.

source.

good search marketing.

good, if not slightly mean:

for the know-it-all in you.

“Wil Shipley, a Seattle software developer, uses his iPhone at the Whole Foods fish counter to check websites for updates on which seafood is the most environmentally correct to purchase. He quizzes the staff on where and how a fish was caught. Because he carries the Internet with him, “I can be super-picky,” he said.”

he sounds like a real catch! (ba dum bum)

source.

btw he's here to steal all of our women.

the most awkward fashion show EVER - 4:05
weirdest hairstyle - 4:43
deepest conversation - 7:36

seriously, the bachelor is now SO atrocious it's awesome.

because now i'm making you listen to me too.

this is like, the BEST. (useless) INVENTION. EVER. go here to make your own 21st century mix tape.

also, we are now going steady. that is the mix tape law.

(so) lost in translation.

this reminds me of the time when chinese students at school were offering to write people's names phonetically in mandarin. one of my friends showed his new nameplate to us and mentioned that because there is no phonetic equivalent of v, they had to substitute something else.

our chinese friend took one good look at it and asked if he knew what it meant.

he now goes by sweet potato.

cheesus christ.

some guy in texas was snacking on some delicious cheetos when he came across the above cheeto. after first thinking it was a dog, he turned it over and saw jesus instead. he now calls it cheesus and stores it in a velvety green box.

brotha, please.

everyone knows that if jesus was going to come back via an artificial cheesy snack, he would totally choose andy capp's hot fries.

(if you don't know what those are, clearly you have never been desperate for cheap, 100% chemically engineered food with absolutely no nutritional value during a pee break at a gas station in the hinterland of southern virginia)

sometimes you should just stay home.

i like the clear passing of judgment in the background. he and i would be good friends, i think.

more statistics gone astray.

i spent the majority of my weekend grading stat papers on regression. again. it was exactly as glorious as it sounds. here are some of the highlights. first, i'm not sure why a number of people were so fatalistic:

• After running almost a “billion” regressions...
• I got lost in the models to be honest.
• The histogram is miserable.
• This was a model out of desperation.
• I can’t simply unlog the error of the forecast.
• I do not like this regression (but I'm running out of time and it’s the best model that I can make, sadly so, that has ANY basis in reality).

Some were mildly more optimistic but still very, very confused:

• The only issue I see with this model is the poor histogram of the residues.
• It also made sense that the price was mainlolky depend on the year.
  
• But it’s only slightly worst.

There were also a few statements made courtesy of captain obvious and his sidekick, bullshit dog:

• [I'm using the] number of years since 1971, starting in 1972.
• At first glance, the final model may not make sense. However, upon further review, the final model seems reasonable. [taken verbatim, btw]
  
• That’s not exactly useful for making business decisions. Throwing a rock at the broad side of a barn might be more precise.
  

Finally, i'm not sure what else these folks had on their minds, but i'll preface with the clarification that one of names used in the case was HEM FIR, not:

• Hem Firm
• Hemi Fur
• Hemp Fir

happy (desperate) easter.

that is also how i'm celebrating today. except instead of platform high heels i'm barefoot. and instead of standing on a playground bridge outdoors, i'm sitting on the couch with the door open, grading papers. and i'm asian.

the bunny ears and frightened small children are spot on, though.

can you tell me what accent this is, exactly?

i didn't even know delaware conferred accents with residency.

my latest entertainment obsession.

because sometimes dvr, rockband, netflix, trashy non-fiction and regular tv just aren't enough.

"the mysterious ticking noise"


"wizard swears"


"wizard angst"

snape seriously kills me every time.

put this in your body.

also, i am randomly in the mood for monster truck commercials.

this birds and the bees story will blow your mind.

a biological female surgically becomes a male. said male marries a woman who is unable to have children. male rewinds the clock, stops taking testosterone and gets his period for the first time in eight years. (fe)male becomes pregnant via home insemination and is due in july. the pregnant husband memorializes the couple's experience in the advocate.

a few reactions:

• i would not look forward to the "where do babies come from?" conversation. i mean, i had to read the article at least three times to figure it out.
  
• also, i envy the wife. if m had a uterus, i would totally make him use it to incubate our hypothetical spawn. at the very least, we would have to rock scissors paper for it.
• i ♥ when life is actually like the movies:
  

my summer reading list.

barack's got it in the bag.

the statement "ShitBegone toilet paper is a quality product that exemplifies your attitude and approach to life" reminds me of a resume i once saw. the recent college grad had listed brooks brothers as his part-time employer. the job description? "living the brand through lifestyle."

that must have been at least three years ago. it was THAT awesome. but still not as awesome as this.

do iraqis get the bachelor on tv?

Sounds like Lt. Andy Baldwin lucked out. The Bachelor from season 10 was supposed to report for duty in Iraq in January, but Star has learned that instead of sweating it out in the war-torn country, he was sunbathing in Fiji!

"The Navy thought Andy would be a target because of his fame," says a source. "So they shipped him off to Fiji for some training."

The Navy doc spent most of his time diving, says the source! "It's pretty cushy. But soon he will have to move to Washington, D.C., where he will use his fame to recruit for the Navy."

here is a self-congratulatory photographic montage from his website, should you not be like the Iraqis and not know who lt. baldwin is:

if they fucking get bravo over there, i will seriously cut a bitch.

probably the worst movie i've ever seen.

and that's saying something, considering i saw practical magic. in the theater.



i was mulling over doing you a favor by withholding the movie title, but in the interest of full disclosure, this cinematic masterpiece is brought to you by the beach. (ugh)

and to give you some context regarding my movie critiquing skills, it was a major downgrade for leo in light of his epic performance in growing pains.

yuppie utopia under siege.

so i came home from lunch today to find four police cars outside my apartment building. then when i came home from the movies later in the day, i spotted multiple crying people, an unmarked police car and a crime scene unit stationwagon in addition to the aforementioned police presence.

my guess was armed robbery based on the need for the csu car and the relatively relaxed demeanor of the cops despite the visible trauma of others, but apparently i was wrong.

first, tornados and now death. i hope csi:durham has a counterpart to horatio caine.

setting fashion back, one foot at a time.

for the record, this is NOT ok. unless you also played kelly taylor, valerie tyler and had a stint on dancing with the stars, family portraits with multi-color crocs is simply not acceptable. also, you must be married to a former star of fastlane. and since peter is already taken, i guess that leaves you with:

good luck with that.

back to school.

happy monday.

good morning, sunshine.

have some class!

(yuppie) tornado contingency plans.

(watching a special news report on what to do in the event of a tornado touchdown)

c: wouldn't it be ironic if a tornado touched down in the middle of the lofts and our school had to collect canned goods or something for us?
m: if a tornado touched down here, i think i would take cover in our movie theatre downstairs.

this concludes this installment of deep conversations that may (rightfully) make you want to despise us.

sociocultural charts are the new black.

(source)

let's address the real question at hand.

why wouldn't they bring back 90210?







i know what you're thinking.

yes, m and i also often wrestle in front of our business school.

meanwhile, where are all of the other aaron spelling revivals from the 90s - melrose place, models inc., malibu shores...? i need the heights to make its triumphant return. i mean, how do you talk to an angel? it's like trying to catch a falling star.



(that was admittedly awful. apologies.)

when shorts are just too cumbersome.

for more inspirational tan lines, go here. i can pretty much guarantee the top five stem from either point pleasant, seaside heights or wildwood.

oh cw, you wily little tease.

clearly, we have history. i mean, we're practically epic. i stuck with you through thick and thin; remember how crushed you were by the ultra-devastating felicity hair scandal of 1999?

i didn't even laugh out loud when joey attended an "ivy league university in boston":

and i won't resort to sucker punching you by mentioning that yes, i did follow jamie luner from just the ten of us to savannah.

and although i fell in love a little bit deeper when you adopted veronica mars as one of your own as you usurped upn, you then coerced MULTIPLE america's next top models into guest starring roles and then heartlessly CANCELLED IT.

so that brings me to present day. i adore your (fabulous!) east coast O.C. - i was even a (10-years-too-old) gossip girl for halloween - and i even continue to watch the most mediocre show on tv (one tree hill). this, despite the fact that i'm supposed to believe that chad michael murray plays a credible "published author" and the brand name clothes over bro's can actually be mentioned without cringing. and erroneously abuses an apostrophe. i mean, honestly.


BUT. the fact that you took your smartest, funniest, most AWESOME show (reaper) and failed to air its christmas episode until today IN SPITE OF THE WRITERS' STRIKE is just plain MEAN. i can see where this is heading already.


just like with my fave teen girl detective show/logan echolls vehicle, you're going to prematurely eject my fave teen boy soulcatcher-for-the-devil show from your lineup. i hate you.

and by hate you, i mean i totally LOVE you. in the hauntingly insightful words of celine dion:

I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you were gone

it's kind of scary (read: abysmally sad) how spot on those lyrics are, really.

new and improved relevance.

GAME SHOW: family feud
CURRENT HOST: john o'hurley
SURVEY QUESTION: name something britney spears has lost in the past year.
SURVEY SAYS?

1. her hair
2. her respect
3. her mind
4. her husband
5. her kids
6. weight
7. her fans

dag, yo.

although, this just may be the kick in the pants i need to get back into watching game shows again. no whammies!

(secondary source)

someone is getting fired.

i mean, did knights really have mullets? now that's just wrong.

(source)

if i-95 was a circle.

so wait. does this prove that bad driving is to blame for all of those fabricated traffic jams in virginia ...or not? because i'm going to get ridiculously angry and yell at someone either way.

(i was also going to make a bottleneck/fat kid in the goal/process improvement joke, but i abhored operations management SO MUCH that i now must retire to my happy place)

source.

the scars of my spring break.

no, really, the literal scars:


the moral of the story? use schick intuition at your own risk. or if you have better shaving skills than a fourth grader.

also, don't exercise.

in totally unrelated news, there is nothing on tv.

apologies for going dark today.

i was incommunicado because i decided to take a quick jaunt down to my favorite vacation spot... DAYTONA. (woo WOO)

i obviously had to make it down in time for bike week '08 (let me tell you, they j'adore my 2000 saab!). i'm also sporting a budweiser one-piece in the pic above (thanks, A-B!), but the charmers at the orlando sentinel cut me off. in case you were wondering, i'm to the right of the curly-haired dude in the red hat... no, the one also wearing a budweiser swimsuit.

seriously though, i was really there for the coleslaw wrestling. because sometimes, with all of the pressures of school and life, i just really need to satisfy my urge to bodyslam someone into a giant vat of shredded cabbage and oil (which is their really bizarre recipe for coleslaw). i'm not sure who's winning or if there are amputees involved in the above match, but i hope they survived with however many limbs with which they entered the contest. coleslaw wrestlers are RUTHLESS.

this is my opponent, post-coleslaw defeat. she's not sticking her tongue out because she conquered death by leafy vegetable, but because she thinks cabbage and oil makes for the worst. cole slaw. recipe. EVER.

ingrate.

i just finished washing the canola out of my budweiser suit in the sink of my HoJo room and am celebrating my cabbage-laden victory by cozying up to an episode of cheaters, with a box of slim jims in one hand and the champagne of beers in the other (sorry, A-B!).

btw, the only truthful parts of this story are the pictures, the existence of bike week and coleslaw wrestling in daytona, and me watching cheaters right now.

creative segmentation.

i was scrolling through the cable guide (yes, i know... when am i NOT scrolling through the guide?) and came across "no undies mondays" on a channel that is actually included in our cable package. furthermore, the description states:

cartoon shorts [ha.] featuring characters that do not wear pants.

i'm not sure who the target audience is for this one (anti-underwear protesters? cartoon watchers offended by pants?), but if you happen to be watching tv at 4:00 p.m. on a weekday afternoon like yours truly, boomerang is where you can catch the hawt animated action.

to bill gates and nancy botwin - i wish you all the best... in hell.

i love that in attempt to remain hip and with it, the vatican has updated the seven deadly sins, including:

1. genetic engineering
   
2. polluting
3. drug dealing
4. abortion
5. causing social injustice
6. pedophilia
7. obscene wealth

but really, i only mention this because i thought the following was rather clever regarding all of those old school sins:

meanwhile, i probably punched my ticket when i didn't really ever pick up a religion. i don't suppose worshiping my dvr really counts.

(source)

this is pretty much how i spent the weekend.

if you have three minutes to spare, start at 4:45. if you have two(ish) minutes, start at 5:30. then watch through 7:50 (at least). you won't regret it, seriously.



got an extra minute? if you want to see some payback, start at 7:40 and watch til the end. btw this episode is going to be on again on thursday, should you want to see the whole (non-blurry) thing all at once. you're welcome.



so. chef ramsay. when exactly are you going to get your ass stateside? because we ALL know that any restaurant that BATHES anything in alfredo sauce certainly requires your urgent attention.

NO, i didn't make that up. YES, T.G.I. Friday's, i'm talking about you.

(justified) passive-aggressiveness at its best.

i REALLY wish i knew the backstory to this. notewriter, i salute you!

(source)

how to save a choking cat, redux.

like the three year old that i am, i just looked at the pics and didn't bother with the text. too bad i missed a third obviously viable solution to save your choking cat:

If you cannot remove the object (other than a needle), pick up the cat by grasping its back legs; turn it upside down and shake vigorously. Slapping the back while shaking may help to dislodge the object.

although if you actually do the above, your cat will pretty much hate you. or die.

you know, whichever.

i want my hour back.

i woke up, rolled out of bed and turned on the tv, only to find this on:

i became super stoked because this show airs on:

ergo, due to the transitive property, if i get make me a supermodel and make me a supermodel airs on bravo, then I MUST GET BRAVO. there is a (tv) god!

but alas, it was just my dopey, sleepy, ever-hopeful self watching. because apparently, the show is also now airing on oprah's non-oprah tv channel:
which just (cruelly) aired a commercial for the above show with the tag line: ONLY ON BRAVO.

what a fucking tease.

how to save a choking cat.

as told in pencil drawings:

(wow. apparently you better really fucking love that cat)

(hmmm. not sure if that ended well.)

or, according to worst case scenario, you can just do this:

you (and your feline friends) are SO welcome.

(source)