do professionals write the show descriptions on digital cable?

is that like an actual job? that i can apply for? because i think i would have a natural knack for it. and it would clearly be immensely personally rewarding.

or at least that's what i imagine the proud author of the following feels about his/her profession.

i bow to your expertise.

i was googling "beverly hills 90210 graduation speech" (don't ask) and came across this:

About Crystal | Expertise:
I have seen all 10 seasons of 90210 and have every episode on tape to locate answers. My expertise is on the first 6 seasons and the characters Brenda and Dylan, but I will attempt to answer any question pertaining to the show. Please no scene/dialogue questions because they are very time-consuming and frustrating. However, I will be happy to clarify misunderstood dialogue due to whispering and such if I'm able to. I will attempt to answer any song question from the show's original airing.

wow. on TAPE. now THAT is hardcore.

according to my aptitude test, i'd make an excellent secretary.

some insightful commentary on entry-level jobs for undergrads, courtesy of careerbuilder.com via cnn:

A degree in history (aka liberal arts) means you can be an educator, researcher, communicator or editor, information manager, advocate or even a businessperson.

Journalism majors will find successful careers in print, broadcast or radio journalism, as well as opportunities in media relations.

Nursing majors can find job opportunities in hospitals, clinics, doctor offices and other medical facilities.

good to know that the proper major/job stereotypes continue to be propagated amongst the millenials.

apparently cnn isn't the only one bungling headlines.

recent catchy attention-getters include:

• 'Baby Mama' delivers top spot at North American box office (afp)
• 'Baby Mama' Hits Box-Office Mother Lode, Locking Up 'Harold & Kumar' In Second Place (mtv)
• Bundle of cash birthed: "Baby Mama" tops box office (mlive.com)
• Oh, Baby! Tina Fey Smokes Harold and Kumar (E!)
• Women deliver 'Baby Mama' to top over 'Harold & Kumar' at box office (USA Today)
• Baby Mama delivers a number one (sheknows.com)
• A Healthy Arrival For Baby Mama (Empire Online UK)
• 'Baby' steps to top of the box office (Variety)
• Audiences adopt 'Baby Mama' as $17M box-office favorite (San Jose Mercury News)
• 'Baby Mama' Brings Funny to Full Term (ABC News)

meanwhile, the best opening sentence? definitely the following, courtesy of canada's national post:

Baby Mama had a wonderful christening over the weekend but don’t expect much of a growth spurt in the coming weeks because Iron Man’s poised to dominate every thing in its path.

TWO puns in just ONE sentence? all writers should aspire to be so... ambitious.

four times in last two days.

do you think the above describes:

1. the visits i've had to make the library to finish up my finals.
2. my excursions to the local mall.
   
3. m's trips to the new dunkin donuts/baskin robbins within walking distance.
   
4. iterations of the triumphant return of the logan echolls vampire vehicle that i've watched.

if you couldn't eliminate at least the first one from the list, then you must be new here.

i just cried over a love doll.

if you haven't seen lars and the real girl, you totally should. it just might restore your faith in people. not that it needs overhauling or anything. but you know. just in case it needs a little burnishing.



i haven't really seen much of ryan gosling since his mmc and breaker high days. he is apparently as charming in interviews as he is in the movie:



i think he turned ellen straight for about ten minutes.

i'll take the one in front, second from the left.

our general dispositions seem to be similar - intrigued, but not willing to sit up unless something totally awesome happens.

i can't stop watching this. i now want ten kittens or something of equivalent adorable furriness value.

what boys at the "cool" lunchtable blog about.

from the foggy monocle:

PiousGentleman: ASS
i feel like it
9:55 AM me: drunk
i think i still am
who went home and listened to music and drank more beers?
that’s right
me
9:56 AM me: world of pain
seriously
breathing alcohol
however
that dance party ruled
ending night dj though, sucked
i feel like writing an angry letter to the bar
9:59 AM me: at least i didnt drunk dial anyone
10:01 AM PiousGentleman:i wish i had drunk dialed jesus
and asked him to save me

this must be some kind of record.

cnn has outdone itself on the amazing headline front today. and for $20, i can memorialize my favorite headline forever:

get your own t-shirt here.

holy makeover, batman.

jim the videogame programmer on beauty and the geek before:


jim, post cw makeover:

this is exhibit infinity to the infinite power why guys should not grow beards but get fauxhawks instead.

does this make me an outlier?

from a graduate student survey i took today:

how to sound like you're being productive.

i can't seem to break the 66 wpm barrier. i will spend all day trying though. have your own go at it here.

the second best kind of tv programming.

besides watching tv shows about other tv shows, i LOVE (LOVE, LOVE!) tv that mashes up "celebrities" from various walks of fame (hence my enjoyment of all real world/road rules gauntlet inferno challenge brawls).

i think it all started when i was little with:

...and just escalated from there.

anyway, although i never really watched flavor of love, i love new york or rock of love (btw i surprise even myself with this random decision), i am rather excited about i love money, vh1's latest take on celebreality. i am particularly impressed that the producers are finally just calling it like it is with the most amazing title i've read all day. plus with contestants like nibblz, sinceer and destiney (can you match each person to the correct show of origin?) it's bound to be a true television event.

amazing.

(source)

i ♥ jim & pam.

thank god real tv is back. i just can't get the same warm fuzzy feeling from watching paradise hotel 2, you know?

sage advice.

Fey: It is a "Girls Gone Wild" generation. "Girls Gone Wild" did something. The idea of, like, let's get wasted and fake make out with each other to amuse this strange guy.

Poehler: I blame ["Girls Gone Wild" creator] Joe Francis for all of it.

Fey: Ladies, don't show your knockers to Joe Francis. Get your own camera, film your own knockers and get the money.

Poehler: We should start our own business where down-and-out women get their own money from showing their knockers. Being a girl this age, it would be a hard time, I think. A lot of mixed messages. A lot of "Be yourself" but a lot of "Be super skinny." "Save it until you're married . . ."

Fey: "But dress like a whore."

Poehler: And a lot of like, "Think about the world and be green, but buy a lot of stuff." I feel like, growing up, I had a Kristy McNichol T-shirt. It was different.

btw i have an inkling that baby mama is going to be friggin AWESOME.

(source)

the show about advertising WOULD have awesome packaging.

seriously, if there ever was a time you should buy something for the packaging, season 1 of mad men should be it. also, it is an awesome show. no one defines "men want to be him and women want to be with him" quite like the dashing don draper:

legally blind.

i was sitting in class trying to wipe some muck off of my glasses when all of a sudden one pair of glasses became two equal but distinct parts:

good thing that the rest of lecture focused on evaluating various print ads and watching a video. all i could tell was that they were shot in color. i definitely scored brownie points for class participation today with that searing insight.

then i had to (humiliatingly) text my friend to come find me for lunch because i had no chance of spotting her in a crowd without making a lot of people uncomfortable via personal space invasions.

at least i hope that's who that girl was.

finally, this reminds me of the best insulting compliment i've ever received:

wow, you look so weird without glasses!

thanks bitch. that's just my "weird" face you're talking about.

cnn is on fire.

a list of video news stories currently available on cnn.com, in their particular order:

1. man proposes on bus
2. customize your vacation
3. jail couture
4. mama duck saves stuck ducks
5. 26-toliet mansion planned
6. the pope's golden tickets
7. "idol" on the road
8. germany's memorial train
9. new rules for travelers
10. "paving" the world
11. boy's nose blows vacation
12. exotic animal found

it started to sound legitimate around #9, but then tanked again with #11 for sure.

(inspired by cnn is like the worst "news" source. Ever. which is way cooler because it has charming illustrations to accompany each hard hitting headline.)

soup, salad and breadsticks with a side of nudity marinara.

when marketers devised the concept of cross-branding, i'm pretty sure this is EXACTLY what they had in mind:

On her hit show, The Girls Next Door, star Kendra Wilkinson can't say enough tasty things about her favorite restaurant, Olive Garden. "I eat so many bread sticks when I go there that I can barely move when I'm done," she says of the ubiquitous Italian eatery.

Kendra notoriously informed Italian couturier Roberto Cavalli that Olive Garden is better than his four-star stateside favorites or any trattorias back in Italy. She names on her MySpace page "the owner of Olive Garden" among the "people she would like to meet."

In her literally hundreds of visits to Olive Garden over the years, Kendra noticed that the waitresses are often as hot as the food. Given that steamy combo, Hef's girlfriend decided a sexy search was in order. So if you work at an Olive Garden and want to show off your saucy charms for Playboy, Kendra wants you to send her your pictures. She will hand-pick the winners for an exclusive Girls of Olive Garden Playboy pictorial.

(source)

tattoo quote of the day.

"We had matching tattoos because we knew our love would last for ever. Trouble is, it didn't, things happened, we split."

today's profound statement brought to you by the ever insightful dita von teese replacement/marilyn manson mirror, evan rachel wood:

for reference, also evan rachel wood:

(source)

i could not have said it any better.

The Bachelor Confrontation
by TheDlisted

Also from Dlisted:

We need to invite the producers of "The Bachelor" over for a viewing party of "Rock of Love" and "Flavor of Love," because they have no idea what a major reality skank fight looks like. The clip above was billed as "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history." I have arguments like this on a daily basis with the dude who works at my local deli. WALK OFF!

This not-so-shocking argument went down between Marshana and the other girls, because they really had nothing else better to do. Marshana got pissed, because her "character was called into question" after Chelsea accused her of not wanting to be there. Marshana did get pretty upset. I thought her ten-head was going to turn into a twenty-head. Shayne weakly tried to purr Marshana away from the fight.

Shayne reminds me more and more of Nermal from Garfield. She totally thinks she's the "cutest pussy in the world." Okay, she is.

Marshana is pretty hot though. Anybody that has the ability to say, "I am a great person. I am nice, I am friendly, I am loving, I am so giving and thoughtful and charitable. I am a great person and nobody can convince me otherwise" is delusional enough to be pretty fun at parties. Sadly, Matt didn't agree with me about Marshana being hot and he sent her back to Brooklyn.

The look on Robin's face after she was eliminated with Marshana could kill kittens. I was waiting for her to pull Matt's heart out of his body. Instead, Robin tried to be some sort of diva and threw Matt an icy stare before saying "Bonsoir."

Next week is going to be soooo good. Lorenzo Lamos on The Bachelor equals GOLD! This is his greatest credit since "Air America."

name that tune.

i was about to say this was the song of my childhood, but if i wanted to be factually accurate, i should say it was the sound of my friend desi's childhood that i used to be invited over to play with from time to time. yes, i was that kid.

i also now have a craving for a screwball from an ice cream truck:

the best wedding ever.

• this is ivana's fourth wedding.
  
• that's a FIFTEEN FOOT TALL arch of orchids and roses.
• they had a bridal party of FIFTY people.
• he walked up the aisle to THE ROCKY THEME (in contrast, her walk to unchained melody by simon cowell's il divo is a serious downgrade).
  
• da trump himself was there. hopefully sporting one of his nifty macy's ties.
  

i was going to end with some brilliant sarcasm re: american overindulgence and make some reference to bridezillas on we!, but thankfully this is a case of international conspicuous consumption.

overheard in the apartment.

(m talking to his laptop)

"awww c'mon man. jesus. SLUT."

this girl is going to hate her daddy one day.

i'd like to see that college admissions essay: "i'm heiress to the dual action cleanse fortune. that scary poo klee irwin used as inspiration for the product concept? that was totally me."

talk show hosts + animals = magic.

i don't know why but ever since johnny carson, i LOVE watching animals on talk shows. over the years, i have come to believe that a prerequisite to hosting your own talk show must be that you abhor live animals and/or disdain animal experts.



also this may quite possibly be the only wholesome tv i actually enjoy on purpose.

a little saturday morning absurdity.

i like that the officers had to actually arrive on the scene before someone made the big discovery.

source.

ban comic sans, the worst font ever.

in contrast, i introduce to you the Beard Alphabet, i.e., the most glorious font i've seen this week:

the bride of godzilla.

meet hideki matsui, a.k.a. godzilla.

meet hideki's new wife, shown here at a press conference specifically called to announce their new marriage:

things we now know about the bride of godzilla, besides the fact that she had to sit for not one, but two sketch artists:

• "the bride is a 25-year-old civilian."
• she formerly worked "in a reputable position at a highly respected company."
• according to hideki's dad: "she's nice, quiet. she's a good person."

i just feel like i really know her now, you know? meanwhile, the ny daily news thought it compelling to include:

Matsui, also known back home for his large collection of porn films, said he and his wife have been planning their wedding for a year.

seriously. here's proof.

when vegas doesn't stay in vegas.

at kroger last night, m asked me if i had ever seen hooker trading cards.

wait, what?

apparently while he was in vegas, his buddies picked up as many "trading cards" as possible from assorted pimps as they ambled up and down the strip. too bad that unbeknownst to him, they also saved them up in order to tuck them into m's assorted school binders (honestly who studies in vegas?).

he thought he had weeded them all out. that is, until he got back to school and had a very special hooker trading card fall out of his back pocket when he reached for his wallet at starbucks.

hehe.

a seven word summary of the hills.

crazy eyes gets bossed around a lot.

this act of pithiness brought to you by m.

i think we're due for a fraggle rock reunion.

in the mean time, i'll have to keep myself occupied with muppets manifested as celebrities:

god i love donatella.

(source)

worst. night. ever?

the cut off description reads: a married woman cannot account for her pregnancy.

(insert sex ed and/or tracy morgan joke here)

not a fan.

this reminds me of when my former coworker sent christmas cards featuring a photo collage of her pregnant self in a sports bra alongside her shirtless husband. to the entire company. including a few lucky clients.

it really was a bastion of professionalism, that place.

this isn't tyler perry's invisible man.

only three days until tracy touches down in my living room. and maybe gets me pregnant (see below).



now where can i get myself a branded bubbling water fixture like that?

nothing is truly original.

this (un)ironically includes this post.

source.

decipher this.

a direct quote from a slide i received in class today:

if u offers X to t, then t can't go to s and try to get more than X without s being vulnerable to a counter offer from u that would beat t's offer to s and still let u get at least Y.

i also finished two sudoku puzzles and half of a crossword puzzle. so all in all, a productive day.

i guess this is community service...?

Porn for the Blind is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites. This service is provided free of charge.

i remember that in high school, people used to volunteer to read western literature aloud for recordings for the blind. i guess this is actually just the same idea, only instead of the great classics, substitute free, truncated clips of porn teasers from pay-for-play porn sites. and instead of listening to the narration of well-meaning teenage girls, you get a really bored and mildly exasperated white guy.

hawt. please listen to "big sausage pizza" and you'll know exactly what i mean.

meanwhile, haven't completed your own good deed of the day yet? submit your own, er, donation here.

t-5 and counting.

witty AND cute? life is just so unfair.

for when you just can't be bothered to chew.

(source)

they DO exist.

you don't have to look like a criminal to live like one.

just one more week until my old friends return for a visit. and by old friends, i mean primetime tv shows. just in case you don't know me at all and that wasn't perfectly clear.

well this is rather unexpected.

they actually look legitimately attractive.

private to jonathan knight: I STILL LOVE YOU (and your shar pei, nikko). PLEASE MARRY ME AND MAKE MY 19 Y.O. DREAMS COME TRUE. we can be like the new katie holmes/tom cruise couple where we make people uncomfortable and mildly grossed out by (over)sharing that i knew i wanted to marry you since i was like, seven.

the vocabulary of a pop culturist.

i'm not ashamed to admit that i learned the meaning of the word comestibles via claudia kishi in book #49, claudia and the genius of elm street (the name of her art exhibit featuring junk food was domestic comestibles, as coined by janine, the geeky older sister):

lucky for me and my articulation skills (ha), bsc nostalgia is apparently gaining widespread momentum here and here.

btw i later learned the word capricious via cher's conversation with dionne and murray re: her almost hook-up with christian during the pivotal highway driving scene in clueless.

i know. i am also convinced that pop culture builds character. like seriously.

when boybands strike back.

you know that a boyband is on its way down once it releases its fuck-you-to-the-bubblegum-pop-haters song.

the new kids edition:

the backstreet boys rendition:

the n sync version:

the nkotb "song" is the first "rap" i ever knew all of the lyrics to. it really advanced my social standing, i can tell you that much.

how i taught myself how to dance.

seriously. i even freestyled through the parts where you can't see any of the choreography.

i like that my physical activity even when i was younger was still based entirely around watching tv. it really set a precedent.