since i know you're insanely curious to know what i'm up to when i'm not chained to the tv or comp (in that order, btw), i thought i would take the time to show you how i elect to get some fresh air.
STEP 1: get in car, warm up jersey girl mall radar.
STEP 2: cut across four lanes of traffic once you see any sign that has the word mall on it.
(shut up. mills is close enough.)
STEP 3: follow signs of life towards the sweet, greedy smell of retail. mall radar is starting to bleep more intensely now.
STEP 4: it's the holy grail! the carefully honed jersey radar has done right by you yet again. only oh shit, you've got options. you must make the right choice or be faced with mediocre (non) shopping like bebe or the chinese massage parlour. so... will the red gate lead you to your destiny?
STEP 4 (cont.): or does the orange gate guard the true path?
STEP 4 (cont.): just kidding, the blue gate is clearly the best. the electric color soothes you as you mentally prepare to engage in another round of gladiatorial battle. nevermind that your sworn enemies are 11 year olds with LiLo's D&B bag, uggs and leggings. or bermuda shorts, depending.
(plus, this is where the tourbuses full of asians get dropped off, so you know some good brand name shit has to be going down here)
STEP 5: wander the mall, exploring every nook and cranny to the delight of your (bribed) shopping companion, who spends hours (days?) waiting outside.
STEP 6: fill up as many shopping bags as possible, as if you're going to be judged on both speed and heft, and the loser will die gladiator-style. that is, in a blaze of glory, a la bon jovi.
STEP 7: when you've reached max capacity (in my case, about 78% of my total body weight), return to the vehicle, exhausted and ready to leave the Wonderland that is The Mall. btw, john meyer, you were WRONG.
STEP 8: lather, rinse, repeat. in ny, nj, pa, dc, va and nc. i know, i've got a problem. i'm trying to get dr. drew to stage my intervention at the chesapeake house rest stop on I-95.
so there you have it. what i did on my christmas vacation. i know your life is at least 0.02% better than it was before you started scrolling. after all:
STEP 6: fill up as many shopping bags as possible, as if you're going to be judged on both speed and heft, and the loser will die gladiator-style. that is, in a blaze of glory, a la bon jovi.
STEP 7: when you've reached max capacity (in my case, about 78% of my total body weight), return to the vehicle, exhausted and ready to leave the Wonderland that is The Mall. btw, john meyer, you were WRONG.
STEP 8: lather, rinse, repeat. in ny, nj, pa, dc, va and nc. i know, i've got a problem. i'm trying to get dr. drew to stage my intervention at the chesapeake house rest stop on I-95.
so there you have it. what i did on my christmas vacation. i know your life is at least 0.02% better than it was before you started scrolling. after all:
(shoutout to everyone who posted the above pics on google/flickr to be manipulated for my self-indulgent purposes. and to principal belding for inspiring the graphic above)
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